About the author- litigation lawyer in telecoms, taxation, criminal, labor, appellate, family law and corporate; a radio broadcaster, speaker, author a husband, a father, advocate for consumers, for justice www.angkapatiran.org and a sinner who wants to
be a saint. hilman1108@yahoo.com
ANALYSIS
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How Marriage Is Faring
Study Compares U.S. and Scandinavia
PISCATAWAY, New Jersey, AUG. 27, 2005 (Zenit.org).- In July the National Marriage Project, based at Rutgers University, released its annual report on marriage. This year’s edition is titled “The State of Our Unions: Marriage and Family: What Does the Scandinavian Experience Tell Us?”
Authored by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe, the report presents a variety of statistical information on family and the marriage in the United States. The report also contains an essay by Popenoe comparing family policies in the United States and Sweden.
From 1970 to 2004 the annual number of marriages per 1,000 adult women in the United States plunged by nearly 50%. This is due to a combination of factors. First marriages are being put off until later: The median age of new spouses rose from 20 for females and 23 for males in 1960 to about 26 and 27, respectively, in 2004. Other factors include the growth of cohabitation and a small decrease in the tendency of divorced people to remarry.
The divorce rate today is nearly twice that of 1960, but has declined slightly since hitting its peak in the early 1980s. For the average couple that married in recent years, the lifetime probability of divorce or separation remains between 40% and 50%.
The number of unmarried, cohabiting couples has increased dramatically over the past four decades, and the increase is continuing. Most young American adults now spend some time living together outside of marriage, and cohabitation commonly precedes marriage.
The U.S. birthrate continues to decline. The latest data, for 2003, shows an average of 2.044 children per woman. This figure is higher than in many other countries, though observers believe that the U.S. rate will decline further in future decades.
The trend toward fatherless families leveled off in the late 1990s, but the most recent data show a slight increase. In 1960 only 9% of children lived in single-parent families. By 2004 this jumped to 28%. The overwhelming majority of single-parent families are mother-only.
Meanwhile, surveys reveal that Americans increasingly view marriage and child rearing as separate pursuits. Among teen-agers, both boys and girls have become more accepting of non-marital lifestyles, especially unwed childbearing.
Common cohabitation
In his essay Popenoe looks at the argument that contends the United States could reduce problems such as child poverty, teen pregnancy, and single parenthood if it was to adopt family and welfare policies similar to those of Sweden or Norway.
Sweden has one of the lowest marriage rates in the world. If current trends hold, only about 60% of Swedish women will ever marry, compared with over 85% of their U.S. counterparts. Fifty years ago the figure was 91% for Sweden and 95% for the United States.
Instead of marriage, cohabitation is increasingly popular in Sweden. By contrast, the United States has a lower rate of cohabitation than all but the predominantly Catholic nations of southern Europe. About 28% of all couples in Sweden are cohabiting, versus 8% of American couples.
A number of factors contribute to the high rate of cohabitation in Sweden. Religion is weak, and the moral and cultural taboos against partners living together have disappeared. In addition, government benefits are given to individuals regardless of their relationships or family arrangements. Spousal benefits in such matters as health care simply do not exist. And all income tax is individual.
For its part the United States stands out for having the world’s highest divorce rate. The risk of a marriage ending in divorce in the United States is close to 50%, compared with about 40% in Sweden. This difference can be explained in part by the high levels of ethnic, racial and religious diversity in the United States, all of which are associated with divorce. By contrast Sweden has a highly homogeneous society. And, of course, people who cohabit but don’t marry won’t divorce.
Swedish cohabiting couples do, however, break up in large numbers. It is estimated that the risk of breakup for cohabiting couples in Sweden, even those with children, is several times higher than for married couples.
The kids lose
Moreover, the Swedish divorce rate has been growing in recent years, while the U.S. rate has been declining. So, overall, given the increasing convergence of divorce rates, and the instability of cohabiting couples, the family breakup rate in the two nations is actually quite similar, Popenoe concludes.
One significant difference between the two countries regards the percentage of children living with their biological parents. The number of births outside marriage is higher in Sweden, 56%, than in the United States, 35%. Even so, more children in Sweden live with their parents. This happens because the extramarital births in Sweden are mostly to cohabitating couples, while in the United States they are to young, non-cohabitating mothers.
The high breakup level of relationships in Sweden, the report comments, “is testimony to the fragility of modern marriage in which most of the institutional bonds have been stripped away — economic dependence, legal definitions, religious sentiments, and family pressures — leaving marriage and other pair-bonds held together solely by the thin and unstable reed of affection.”
The big losers in this trend, the report continues, are the children. In both Sweden and the United States studies show that children from broken families have two to three times the number of serious problems in life.
Not so anti-family
The National Marriage Project report also points out that while Sweden is considered liberal in matters of sexual morality, its laws in some areas are stricter than those in the United States. In Sweden, for instance, married couples with children aged 16 or under must wait six months before a divorce becomes final. In the United States, most states make no distinction in their divorce laws between couples with or without children.
Also, Sweden allows in vitro fertilization only if a woman is married or cohabiting in a long-term relationship. The United States has no such restrictions. Anonymous sperm donation is prohibited in Sweden, and allowed in the United States. And an abortion in Sweden after the 18th week of pregnancy is allowed only after review and approval by the National Board of health. By contrast, abortion is allowed for pregnancies through the third trimester in all but three U.S. states.
Sweden also offers advantages in child rearing. There is more leisure time, and generous welfare benefits make it possible for parents to spend greater time with their children. Almost all mothers are able to stay at home with their infants for the first year, at 80% or more of their salary. And it is easy to work flexible hours in order to meet family responsibilities. In Sweden child poverty is almost nonexistent, and all children are covered by health insurance.
But this comes at a price. Popenoe comments: “The average American would probably find life in Scandinavia rather uncomfortable due to high taxes, strict government regulation, limited consumer choice, smaller dwelling units, social conformity, and a soft work ethic.”
The two societies, in fact, are polar opposites in many aspects, and Popenoe concludes that “it is a mistake to think that what works in Sweden could necessarily be transplanted to America.” Yet, he suggests that the Swedish models should not be rejected out of hand.
ZE05082704
ZENIT.ORG
Dr James Dobson of www.family.org says that it is better for a son to live with his father, not only because of gender. the son really needs a male role model. who will discuss about male sexuality. how to tie that tie etc. But I say if the man is a nit-wit or a mamas boy, no way. Let the mother find a surrogate father model like the sons uncle, neighbor, teacher. the son supposedly needs to interact with a man on values etc at least one hour a week . what do you think ?
Unfortunately we can not hear Dr Dobsons radio program here or am I wrong.
attysison2020@yahoo.com read Bringing up Boys by Dobson, James
It is disturbing to read about countries wherein a lot of rapes happen, like South Africa, india, pakistan,Middle East areas, with instances of female circumcision (forced), like the removal of the clitoris. My aunts niece in France tells me there is hardly any rape in France as adults consent to sex and perhaps it is available and they talk about it openly.
In societies where sex is taboo, and a commodity, with no openness in discussion, and children are not taught how to handle it, and there are women haters or men who can not express themselves, there is rape to empower or to punish. It is a power play according to the experts. It is not sex at all but an aberration, a sick expression of power usually over women and children, now the law recognizes male victims. In Philippine law putting the sex organ inside a woman, or any orifice or mouth without her consent or against her will is sexual assualt amounting to rape.
Why this happens, some say they are latent homosexuals, just like the babaeros are latent homosexuals according to some clinical psychologists.
They need counselling.
Host: What “N” (narra) is the national tree of the
Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!
*********
Host: Saan “B” (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose
Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay
letter “L”
(Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, “R.P.” ang
initials ng modern name nito
(Rizal Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)
************
Host: Saan “B” (bea ch) tayo madalas pumunta pag
summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga
babaeng
naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!
************
Host: Anong “L” (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na
sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay
nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng
sabon
ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot
mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya “boy” at matipuno nga ang
kaniyang
katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!
************
Host: Anong “S” (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na
flotation device sa dagat upang
hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?
************
Host: What “S” (Sampaguita) is the national flower
of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter “A”.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at
dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan
ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa “S”, nagtatapos sa
letr ang “A”, at kapangalan ng
isang sikat na singer?
Contestant: Si…Sharon Cuneta!
************
Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster
(Eugene Torre) of Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?
Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop .
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng
piyesa
sa Chess. Yung
kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!
************
Host: What “K” (kalabaw) is the national animal of
the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa!
*************
Host: Sin o ang national hero na naka-picture sa
500
Peso bill? Clue, may
initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end
sa “Y”.
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA
AUNOR???!!!
Philippine Products
FOR SALE
For those who proudly served and paid the ultimate sacrifice in serving the United States Military, you will NOT be forgotten.
Who’s who in the Community
Neal “TexaPino” McCoy
Robbie Montinola
Diosdado “Dado” Banatao
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Dear Friends,
For the past years our Sison family has been spent organizing and coordinating a project. I am writing you now to solicit your help for this project. I hope you will think of me as being presumptuous for making this appeal.
This is an appeal for you to participate in the “LUIS V. ZIALCITA SISON SCHOLARSHIP FOUNDATION”… a project initiated by PAPA SITOS SISONS FRIENDS AND RELATIVES who is with God since 1994. At the recent get-together of our foundation, we decided to cover expenses of family life apostolate in the parishes of the Quezon City Diocese of Cubao and other schools as well. So far we have supported six scholars who have graduated and the two remaing are graduating. One scholar was in the top five of the Accounting board exam. Please issue a check payable to the Luis V. Z. Sison Scholarship Foundation and send them to me at no. 48 B. Gonzales st. Unit 4 Loyola Heights Quezon City 1108 Philippines. We thank all the patrons and donors who help us start the foundation and the officers and the board of trustees of the foundation
Adrian O. Sison
Board of Trustee member
Luis Victor zilcita Sison Scholarship Eoundation
attysison2020@yahoo.com
This is our way of contributing to the development of the future generation of Filipinos through education, specifically an education marked by the Miriam School charism and the family life apostolate in the parishes of the Diocese of Cubao in Quezon City. Blessed Marie Eugenie, Mother Foundress of the Assumption Sisters, ‘dreamt of a profound transformation of society by means of evangelization through education’ … [an education that] “allows the good in every person to break through the rock that imprisons it and bring it into the light where it can blossom and shed its radiance.”
All of the students are so poor they do not have money to buy their lunch, let alone buy snacks for their recess, books and tuition. Life for them is very hard.
With more money we can help students in other schools.
ADRIAN
0639178973231
To read the Vanity Fair article go to: http://www.vanityfair.com/pdf/pressroom/advance1.pdf
‘Deep Throat’ Reportedly Comes Forward
The Associated Press
Tuesday 31 May 2005
Former top official at FBI reportedly admits he was Deep Throat source that led to Nixon resignation.
A former FBI official claims he was “Deep Throat,” the long-anonymous source who leaked secrets about President Nixon’s Watergate coverup to The Washington Post, Vanity Fair reported Tuesday.
W. Mark Felt, 91, who was second-in-command at the FBI in the early 1970s, kept the secret even from his family until 2002, when he confided to a friend that he had been Post reporter Bob Woodward’s source, the magazine said.
“I’m the guy they used to call Deep Throat,” he told lawyer John D. O’Connor, the author of the Vanity Fair article, the magazine said in a news release.
Felt was initially adamant about remaining silent on the subject, thinking disclosures about his past somehow dishonorable.
“I don’t think (being Deep Throat) was anything to be proud of,” Felt indicated to his son, Mark Jr., at one point, according to the article. “You (should) not leak information to anyone.”
Felt is a retiree living in Santa Rosa, Calif., with his daughter, Joan, the magazine said. He could not immediately be reached for comment by The Associated Press. His family members disagreed with their father, feeling that he should receive accolades for his role in Watergate before his death.
The Washington Post had no immediate comment on the report.
O’Connor is a lawyer at the San Francisco firm Howard, Rice, Nemerovski, Canady, Falk & Rabkin. A receptionist there said O’Connor was out of the office but confirmed he was the author of the Vanity Fair article.
The existence of Deep Throat, nicknamed for a popular porn movie of the early 1970s, was revealed in Woodward and Carl Bernstein’s best-selling book “All the President’s Men.” In the hit movie based on the book, Deep Throat was played by Hal Holbrook.
But his identity of the source whose disclosures helped bring down the Nixon presidency remained a mystery.
Among those named over the years as Deep Throat were Assistant Attorney General Henry Peterson, deputy White House counsel Fred Fielding, and even ABC newswoman Diane Sawyer, who then worked in the White House press office. Ron Zeigler, Nixon’s press secretary, White House aide Steven Bull, speechwriters Ray Price and Pat Buchanan, and John Dean, the White House counsel who warned Nixon of “a cancer growing on the presidency,” also were considered candidates.
And some theorized Deep Throat wasn’t a single source at all but a composite figure.
In 1999, Felt denied he was the man.
“I would have done better,” Felt told The Hartford Courant. “I would have been more effective. Deep Throat didn’t exactly bring the White House crashing down, did he?”
In 2003, Woodward and Bernstein reached an agreement to keep their Watergate papers at the University of Texas at Austin.
At the time, the pair said documents naming “Deep Throat” would be kept secure at an undisclosed location in Washington until the source’s death.
Will our president likewise fall who is the deep throat in her life. ask Mike D.
——-
www.truthout.org
Solemnity
THE ASSUMPTION OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY
Since the fifth century the Church has held implicitly the belief in the Assumption of the Blessed Mother, body and soul, into heaven. It can be deduced from the Liturgy, from pious documents and the writings of the Fathers and the Doctors of the Church. The dogma was promulgated by Pius XII on November 1, 1950.
Mary is taken into heaven body and soul. Consideration of the Fourth Glorious Mystery of the Holy Rosary.
I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed. Thus appears the Virgin Mary associated with Christ the Redeemer in the fight against and triumph over Satan. This is the massage of the first book of Sacred Scripture, the divine plan Providence prepared from all eternity to save us. In the last book we find the admirable scene: A great sign appeared in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, the moon beneath her feet, and a crown of twelve stars on her head. The Virgin Mary enters, body and soul, into heaven after finishing her life among us. The Mother of God arrives to be crowned Queen of the Universe. So will the king desire your beauty, we proclaim in the Responsorial Psalm of the Mass today.
The Apostle John was surely a witness of Mary’s passage to heaven, since the Lord had entrusted her to him, and he would not have been absent at that time. In his Gospel, however, he says nothing concerning Our Lady’s last moments on earth. He who spoke of Jesus’ death on Golgotha with so much clarity and force, is silent when it is a matter concerning the one he cared for as his own mother, the Mother of Jesus and of all men. Witnessed firsthand, it must have been like a sweet dream: Thou art she who, as it is written, appearest in beauty, and thy virginal body is all holy, all chaste entirely the dwelling place of God, so that it is henceforth completely exempt from dissolution into dust. Though still human, it’s life is changed into the heavenly life of incorruptibility, truly living and glorious, undamaged, and sharing in perfect life, she is taken up into heavenly glory, body and soul. There, her glorious son Jesus awaits her, just as she contemplated him after the Resurrection. With divine power, God saw to the preservation of the integrity of Mary’s body. He preserves her perfect unity and complete harmony, without permitting the least alteration. Our Lady wins the supreme crown of her privileges, to be exempt from the corruption of the tomb. Overcoming death as her Son conquered it previously, she is raised body and soul to heavenly glory. The integral harmony of the Marian privileges points to it.
We often contemplate the Assumption of Our Lady in the Fourth Glorious Mystery of the Holy Rosary: The mother of God has fallen asleep … But Jesus to have his Mother, body and soul, in heaven. And the heavenly court, arrayed in all its splendour, greets our Lady. You and I – children after all – take the train of Mary’s magnificent blue cloak, and so we can watch the marvelous scene. The most blessed Trinity receives and showers honours on the Daughter, Mother and Spouse of God … And so great is the Lady’s majesty that the Angels exclaim: Who is she? We too, full of admiration, rejoice with the angels, and we congratulate her on her feast day. And we feel proud to be sons and daughters of so great a lady.
Popular piety in Marian art frequently represents the Virgin in the midst of clouds borne aloft by the angels. St Thomas Aquinas sees, in these angelic interventions on behalf of those who have left the earth and are already on the way to heaven, a manifestation of the reverence the angels and all creatures render glorified bodies. In the case of Our Lady, all that we can imagine is little, nothing, even, compared with the way it must have been in reality. St Teresa tells how she once had a vision of the glorified hand of Our Lord. Afterwards, the saint said, five hundred thousand suns reflecting in the clearest crystal were as a sad and dark night in comparison. How would the gaze of Christ be? One day, if we are faithful, we will contemplate Jesus and Mary, whom we have invoked so many times in this life.
Excerpts from IN CONVERSATION WITH GOD by Francis Fernandez.
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FIGHTING BACK
Dr. Minguita Padilla
When one is assaulted physically, when blows or bullets fly, one knows instinctively what to do. Depending on the circumstances, one can run, take cover, shoot or punch back. The answers are clear. But what does one do when the attack is directed at ones sense of decency, self worth and dignity? How does one fight back?
Such is the dilemma many of us face as we live through the daily assault of lies and half truths that have become the hallmark of this administration. So blatant and shameless have been the cover-ups of the president and her cabinet men now turned “operators”, that it has come to the point where the original sin of cheating in the last election for which the president has been accused now pales in comparison to the systematic deception that they have mastered, a deception which accomplishes nothing save to rub salt on fresh wounds of an already battered people.
Those who had called on the president to resign as soon as it was clear that she had lost her moral ascendancy to govern, knew that she could no longer be an effective leader since henceforth all her actions would be geared towards survival and self preservation. She and her men would be so consumed with saving themselves there would be no more room for saving a drowning nation. The events of the last several weeks have only confirmed these fears. The barrage of relentless propaganda that we have had to endure, some of which have been downright insulting to the sensibilities of all save the delusional, are but the tip of the iceburg in this all-out effort at self preservation. While this fiasco was predictable however, few could have imagined the collateral damage it would inflict along the way, damage that would cut into the very core of our nation’s lifeblood and leave no institution unscathed. Let us begin to count the toll.
The President’s cabinet has been reduced to mud slinging as a result of the resignation of some of the most respected members of her official family. And those who have remained loyal have done so at a great price. Our Press Secretary has lost most of his credibility and much of his dignity after having been used for the most bizarre and misguided of cover-ups and after committing perjury in the House of Representatives. Both acts are now forever immortalized in video for all to replay and remember. We have an Environment Secretary who has all but abandoned his job in order to act as champion of his besieged president, and whose antics have gone from annoying to ridiculous, epitomized by his latest act of brandishing a person as an “audio expert” who would vindicate Gloria Arroyo, even if this same person has less credibility than a snake oil salesman. After all, how credible can someone be who tried to “market” his “expertise” to both the opposition and the Department of justice several weeks ago, who even the Justice Secretary and the NBI would not touch with a ten foot pole, and who, as the Secretary of Interior and Local Governments revealed, is facing numerous murder, estafa, and extortion charges? Then we have our Justice Secretary who, despite his sworn duty to uphold justice for all, has, from day one of this crisis in leadership, comported himself as the president’s number one attack dog; harassing and threatening witnesses whose only crime was to dare speak the truth. Indeed, the circus in the cabinet would be comical if it were not so tragic.
Then there is the legislative branch of government. President Arroyo and her men have time and again said that she should be tried in the proper forum, namely the impeachment court. But the public has been made to painfully endure the spectacle of the palace and many of our legislators treating this all important exercise as nothing but a political game. If information from reliable sources is to be believed, it appears money and perks are being spread around like there was no tomorrow, all in exchange for killing the amended impeachment complaint; and as an “honorable” congressman commented, “happy days are here again”. While the shameless among our legislators feast on manna from heaven, those of us who watch from the sidelines remain transfixed in an agonizing state of longing; a longing for truth and for closure.
Our enlisted men are among the most damaged of all. My heart went out to Captain Marlon Mendoza when he testified in the senate on how he felt sick to the stomach upon learning of the gravity of the cheating during last elections and especially when he realized how many of our officers had been used to thwart the will of the people. What made many want to weep however, was seeing how our armed forces was being used by the present administration to destroy this man for having the courage to openly condemn what almost all of them know to be true. Here was a man speaking out against the exploitation of our military by those in power who had betrayed public trust; but instead of applauding him, they condemn him. What does this tell us of our men in uniform? What does it tell us of their culture? I would like to believe that the majority of our enlisted men and officers are still men of honor. What then might they feel today? What damage is this continuing scandal wrecking on the morale of our soldiers and young officers?
And then there is the damage all this is doing to our collective psyche as a nation. I cannot begin to describe the disgust and rage many feel every time we are confronted with yet another lie. It’s bad enough to be lied to. But the insult becomes almost unbearable when the lie is so blatant that only an absolute idiot would fall for it. Hence we are enraged and yet we feel helpless. But we can fight back.
We are a battered nation with very tired people where learned helplessness is the rule rather than the exception. But we must take this chance to unlearn our helplessness. This crisis, though maddening in many ways, is also a way out of the old into the new. It is a painful process, a purging in fact, that we must not run away from or turn a blind eye to, but rather embrace for all the lessons it will bring. Change is happening right before our eyes, although in slow, agonizing steps. Let us be part of this change. We are completing some of the unfinished business of “revolutions” past and we must extricate ourselves from many of the ills that continue to keep us enslaved as a people. But to do this we must first be willing to honestly confront the disease. This calls for courage, wisdom and tenacity. Let us therefore pray for wisdom and courage so that we may see beyond the lies, expose the evil that men do in the dark, and cease to be afraid of the future. Let us pursue the truth with the tenacity of curious children. It is everywhere and all we need do is look for it with open eyes and honest hearts. We do all this then we may finally see a new consciousness emerge and a new breed of leaders born; leaders who will bring hope and inspiration to our people so that together we may ultimately rise from the rubble. We do this then we stand a fighting chance.
Ma. Dominga “Minguita” Padilla is the President of Sinag, The People’s Crusade for Good Governance, and is a convener of the “White Ribbon Movement”.
Email: minguita@pacific.net.ph
MAY THIS NOT HAPPEN TO YOU
Lured and Abandoned – A Cautionary Tale
While I stress throughout this site and the ASAWA Guide that the popular media has grossly exaggerated the abuses of the so-called “mail order bride” marriages, it is undeniably true that at least some westerners bring Filipinas to their homelands for immoral reasons. A correspondence service operator, Carl, and his wife, a Filipina, arranged for the introduction of one such man (“James”, a pseudonym) to an unfortunate Filipina we’ll call Mary (also a pseudonym). While such events are rare, it’s important for those of us in the Fil-West community to recognize that these abuses do exist, and that not people involved in a penpal relationship are honest about their motives…
Mary is a Filipina who was introduced to an American penpal by a friend who had successfully used the penpal method to meet her own husband. In the friend’s case, as in most, this method worked great - she’s happily married. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case for Mary.
In this case, the penpal, James, contacted Mary initially by phone and then wrote her a for a few weeks after that. He then took a vacation and visited the Philippines, spending ten days there. Seven of those days were in Mary’s hometown, where the American met her family and even bought her mother a family-sized refrigerator. Things were certainly off to a promising start.
James stayed at a nearby motel while he was in the Philippines, and Mary says he was the perfect gentlemen the entire time he was in the islands. He never touched Mary inappropriately nor did he try to coax her into heavy kissing or anything physical. In fact, one of Mary’s brothers even stayed at James’ motel to ensure that the American was not spending his nights visiting local bars - apparently he wasn’t. James further established himself as a gentleman by throwing a large party for the family and their neighbors at a nice motel, after which he even had the courtesy to ask Mary’s brothers and mother for permission to marry her (he wasn’t legally required to get their permission, since Mary is over 21 years old).
So all indications were that James was one helluva a nice guy. To top things off, he gave Mary what appeared to be a very nice engagement ring (it was later determined by a jeweler to be a cheap fake, but of course this couldn’t be known by Mary at the time). Needless to say, Mary was impressed by his apparent good character and charm and agreed to marriage. She proceeded to get all her documents ready for her fiancée visa while James returned to the states and started the paperwork required of him.
This is where the first warning sign appeared. Mary should have noticed that James was sending her merely $10 a week, which was supposed to cover her living expenses while she was processing her immigration paperwork (anyone who’s done this kind of paperwork in the Philippines knows that it is very difficult for a Filipina to work the traditional 12 hour days and do all the traveling required by INS and the Philippine government to arrange for a visa). But Mary accepted this unquestioningly and continued to live and execute the paperwork required of her using whatever funds James decided to send.
Months passed before Mary was finally approved for travel to the U.S. This would normally be a time of great celebration and optimism. But when she finally arrived in Atlanta, Mary received her first clue that things weren’t right. James had actually sent friends to meet Mary at the airport, saying that he couldn’t “get off work” to meet her, that the four hour drive was too long. You can imagine the shock that this poor girl must have experienced, her first time away from her family, alone in a foreign land and being picked up by strangers because her “loved one” didn’t want to take time off from work.
When these friends took Mary to her fiancé’s apartment, things got worse. The apartment had only one chair, one bed, one desk, a kitchen table and a television. There seems to have been an implication that James had been through a divorce the year before and simply could not afford to buy any furniture. Well, it was a sparse home, but Mary was resolved that she could make any place a home with the right support from her husband.
If only that were to be…
James finally showed up and immediately began using sweet talk to soften Mary up (you can imagine she was a bit uneasy at this point). Despite her concerns, however, she must have been relieved to at last find herself with the man who had charmed her and her family in the Philippines, her future husband.
And so it is not surprising that, when the two were alone together that night, James successfully managed to convince Mary to give up what she had guarded for so long - her virginity. The night after that, however, he came home from work very late, and the night after that later still. The fourth night he didn’t return at all. There were no phone calls, no notes, nothing at all to let Mary know what was going on.
In point of fact, she had just been abandoned.
It turns out that James had a girlfriend on the side and was frustrated that Mary, after one surrender to his sexual advances, refused anything else until after the marriage. Apparently this was too much to ask of James, who promptly determined that Mary had become a bit too much trouble.
Mary was to later learn that James had lied repeatedly when completing his paperwork to bring her over. He had stated that he had only been married and divorced one time and had only one child and had never before applied for a fiancée visa. In fact, he had been married four times and has three kids. He has had at least one other fiancée visa application that went as far as one week before the interview before he canceled it. James had also been to the Philippines three times before and married at least one other girl in the islands and did the same thing to a girl from Honduras six years ago.
To make matters worse (hard to imagine, isn’t it?), Mary had borrowed the money for her airfare to the U.S. from her relatives living here. James had not even paid for her travel. So Mary was duped, used, and then abandoned - at the expense of her own family. INS was contacted and given proof that James had falsified most of his INS paperwork but the government’s position was merely that Mary must return to the Philippines.
For obvious reasons, she was humiliated beyond words and believed that she had forfeited her chance of finding a respectable husband in her homeland. Because she had given up her virginity and because of what had happened to her here in the U.S., she believed that any Filipino husband she might end up with would treat her badly. She also believed that her family would shun her, and that she was essentially marked with what amounts to a “Scarlet Letter” by her entire community.
Not too long after I published this story on my website, Mary was deported. I found myself barraged with emails from men offering to help Mary (or to bash James’ head in, or both), but ultimately there was little that anyone could do. Carl and his wife since emailed me, however, to say that Mary has rebounded from this tragedy and that she is again leading a productive life. Still, not all exploited Filipinas are so resilient, and many suffer worse injuries than the mental variety.
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