About the author- litigation lawyer in telecoms, taxation, criminal, labor, appellate, family law and corporate; a radio broadcaster, speaker, author a husband, a father, advocate for consumers, for justice www.angkapatiran.org and a sinner who wants to
be a saint. hilman1108@yahoo.com
Hints for Happy Marriages
Interview With Father Michael Ryan, Philosophy Dean
ROME, APRIL 16, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Within a happy marriage the positive comments should outnumber the negative about 5 to 1, says an experienced marriage counselor.
Legionary Father Michael Ryan, who is also dean of philosophy at the Regina Apostolorum university in Rome, spells out other points of advice in his book, "The Last Straw: Ways to Overcome the Stumbling Blocks in Communication Towards a Stronger and Happier Marriage" (Circle Press).
In this interview with ZENIT, Father Ryan touched on some of the advice he gives married couples.
Q: In your book you say that many marriages break up because of misunderstandings and comparatively small things which could have been avoided. What are these things and what should be done in order to resolve them in time?
Father Ryan: Marriages break up when there is hurting going on in the relationship. It is very difficult to persevere in the company of somebody who is sour and unpleasant.
In a nutshell I would say that we must avoid in every way possible hurting others with words or actions. Second, we must foster the atmosphere in which one can express to the other what is hurting. And, finally, we must accept the fact that we can hurt others even when we don’t intend to do so.
As a general rule we must monitor frequently our relationship in order to cure as soon as possible any problem that may arise, even in spite of our good will. Each person is different and the sensitivity of each person is different.
Therefore, there is no set list of things that can cause problems to a marriage. Each man and women must become aware of what hurts a spouse.
The dangerous aspect of all this consists in the fact that we can hurt others without us realizing that we are doing so. This leads to the accumulation of pain which then can easily spill over.
Q: How can married persons cultivate a form of dialogue necessary for addressing problems or disagreements in an open but delicate way? When is the right time to speak about difficulties? How can you say the truth without hurting another?
Father Ryan: First, we should not be "complaining" all the time about everything. It is important to reserve our complaints for really important issues or for issues that have hurt us in a special way.
Remember that the proportion between positive and negative moments in marriage must be always about 5 to 1. For each negative moment, for each criticism I allow myself to issue, there should be another five positive inputs. Our toleration for negativity is very short.
Then, when I must address a negative subject I should always begin stating my love for the other person. This is like stretching a safety net below us before we begin our delicate act of complaining, opening a bleeding issue.
With this I am saying that however we may get engaged in a discussion, there must be no doubt about our love for each other. That will not be touched.
Third, we should treat one subject at a time. Sometimes when we get angry we spit out many issues and this only confuses the whole relationship. One critical issue at a time!
Finally, try not to get personal in the sense of accusations. Try to use what is called the "I messages." Instead of saying that "you are a horrible person," say, "I feel that you are a horrible person."
The difference might seem small, but the second way is much better because you are stating what you feel and not hammering the other on the head directly.
Q: Love and pain go together. The more one loves, the more one gets hurt if the loved one doesn’t seem to react in the expected way. How can love prevail over pain? How can each other’s understanding become more sensitive? How can one stop being selfish and egoistic?
Father Ryan: This is certainly the greatest challenge for love. I don’t think it is always a question of being selfish or egoistic.
It is a fact that we can love others when we feel that we too are loved. Even with God this is the way and this is what St. John says to us in his Letter: It is God that loves us first.
Q: But how do we get beyond this vicious circle, when love in the other is lacking?
Father Ryan: If we were only instinct, then there would be no way out. But we are also intellect and we can understand what the good of the other person means and we can love that good for him or for her.
But we will be able to overcome our own pain more fully if we get inspiration for love from above, from the source of love. This reminds us of what John Paul II says in his "Letter to Families": If we want to love, we must be united to the source of Love, with the big "L."
Q: How can the deep feelings for each other felt in the beginnings keep growing instead of dying down? How can they transform into true love?
Father Ryan: The couple must become aware of the phenomena of change and growth. It is very important to get off to a good start.
This means that the first years of marriage must be intense and full of loving commitment. Then they should renew their commitment often, every year or at least every time that life is going to change in an important way.
In other words, they should prepare for each stage of marriage: the arrival of children, the long years of raising the family, the seven-year itch period, when their children are adolescent and the couple are midway in their lives, etc.
Each stage should sum up the positives and negatives of the previous stage, make new commitments, let go of certain things that will never be, and strive to be interdependent in a healthy way.
Q: In your opinion, what’s the real secret of happy marriages?
Father Ryan: To answer that question I refer to the results of an extensive inquiry made in more that 20 countries, with more than 40 researchers asking questions to more that 17,000 families.
The results tells us that a happy marriage has the following characteristics: The couple spend time together, in quantity and quality; they know how to express their affection for each other; they show commitment to family life; they know how to discuss in a constructive way; they have shared spiritual values.
This is the recipe I would give any couple who want to build a happy future.
Q: What’s the difference between a Christian marriage and other ones?
Father Ryan: I would say that it is the horizon that the Christian faith gives to marriage — a horizon that help me understand the design of God the Creator when he instituted marriage.
The knowledge of this design tells us that we are created in the image of God, with the capacity of love. Faith also tells us that we have the grace of a sacrament to help us live our lives in love.
When marriage or families express all this in their prayer life, then they can feel its efficacy. It is shown that the practice of religion is an important factor in keeping families together and growing in plenitude.
Q: What’s the meaning and the significance of the sacrament of marriage?
Father Ryan: When a man loves a woman he will surely feel that he is not capable by himself of giving that woman all he would like for her in terms of complete happiness. Then he asks God for help.
Then God says to him: How nice, you and I love that same woman; we must make an alliance, a pact, to love her together.
This is the sacrament: God joins his love to our love. In this way every husband and every wife can say to each other: "I love you, with my human love, with all the characteristics proper to a human and sexual love, but my love has been enriched by the love that God has for you."
Q: What’s the will of God for married persons?
Father Ryan: I would like to summarize in the following way: To care for each other in the everyday things live, to make that person as happy as humanly possible, to raise a family, and to help each other and their children to strive for and reach the final destination of heaven.
Q: What can the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph tell a wife and husband?
Father Ryan: That life is made up of the small things but that these ordinary things can be lived in an extraordinary way.
Q: What would you advise young couples heading for a new form of life with each other?
Father Ryan: I would tell them to make sure that they begin their married life well. I believe in the saying that a good start is half the journey.
Therefore they must be aware that the wedding is only the beginning. From that moment onward they must build a new unity, gradually leaving behind many of the things to which they were accustomed.
They must be very sincere and tell one another what is happening in their hearts, especially if they perceive any clouds on the horizon. They should not be frightened if such clouds appear, because it is natural to find some difficulties on the way.
Finally, if any couple has a problem that they are not solving satisfactorily, then they should look for external help as early as possible.
Many a marriage could have been saved if they had looked for help in a timely fashion. To look for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of wisdom.
ZE06041622
Subject: Fw: FILIPINO WORKERS ABROAD-L.A.TIMES
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:40:49 +0800
They are the Philippines’ most successful export: its workers. Three decades ago, seeking sources of hard currency and an outlet for a fast-growing population, then-President Ferdinand Marcos encouraged Filipinos to find jobs in other countries. Over time, the overseas worker has become a pillar of the economy. Nine million Filipinos, more than one out of every 10, are working abroad. Every day, more than 3,100 leave the country. Philippine workers sent home more than $10.7 billion last year, equal to about 12% of the gross domestic product. The current president, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, calls them "the backbone of the new global workforce" and "our greatest export." Worldwide, these workers have earned a reputation for enterprise and hard work. They include some of the Philippines’ most talented people, well educated and multilingual. But as a third generation leaves to work abroad, it is clear the system has not led to prosperity. Policymakers have focused on easing the flow of workers rather than harnessing their earnings for economic development. Dependence on the export of people has become a formula for stagnation. Once one of the strongest in Asia, the Philippine economy now ranks near the bottom. The government invests little money in manufacturing, education or healthcare. The economy can’t create even the 1.5 million jobs a year needed to keep up with population growth. "We have a middle class, but they don’t live in the Philippines," said Doris Magsaysay Ho, head of a company that dispatches 18,000 workers a year to serve on ships around the world. Filipinos work in every country except North Korea, said Labor Secretary Patricia Santo Tomas, whose brother is a doctor in Orange County. More than 2.5 million work in the United States and nearly a million in Saudi Arabia. The money they earn trickles into towns and villages, helping build houses, open restaurants and send children to school. But the absence of so many industrious and skilled people — mothers and fathers, engineers and entrepreneurs — exacts a heavy toll. Across the Philippines, children are being raised by their grandparents. "Now children can buy a lot of computer games, but they don’t have a mother or father, or both," Santo Tomas said. For the sake of supporting their families, the overseas workers endure years of loneliness. Some, especially maids in the Middle East, suffer beatings and sexual abuse. In countries such as Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, they are jailed for running away. Yet the Philippines has grown so dependent on remittances that the thought of doing without them is frightening. "Money from abroad is the only thing that keeps the economy in motion," said Ding Lichauco, former head of the country’s economic planning office. "If you don’t encourage the employees to go overseas, you will have revolution." Providing sailors, maids, entertainers and other workers for a growing world market is a big business. In this competitive arena, the Philippines has an advantage. Many Filipinos speak English. They are generally better educated than workers from countries such as Bangladesh, Sri Lanka or Indonesia. And they have a reputation for being good-natured. An entire bureaucracy has been created around them. The Philippine Overseas Employment Administration helps find jobs in other countries, encourages workers to go abroad and processes some job applications. The Technical Education and Skills Development Agency offers free training in welding, driving heavy trucks and other skills. The Overseas Workers Welfare Administration stations diplomats around the world to look after the Philippines’ foreign workers. Those who bring or send their earnings home pay no income taxes. And the government offers returning workers low-cost equipment and tools to help them start small businesses. With that level of encouragement, an industry has developed to match workers and jobs.
A cook on a cargo ship can make more than Arroyo’s official salary of $1,000 a month. A bar singer in Japan can earn more than a Philippine senator. But the fees can run into the thousands of dollars; the better the job, the greater the cost. Notaries sit at small wooden desks on the sidewalk. Using manual typewriters, they help workers fill out the 14 documents they are required to submit. Large copy machines on the sidewalk crank out duplicates. Laboratories conduct blood, tuberculosis and drug tests to certify the workers’ health. Nearby are cellphone shops, money changers, cheap hotels and restaurants. Many Arab countries, with their vast oil wealth and relatively small populations, are hungry for workers. The CDK International Manpower Services posted notices in its window seeking domestic workers and midwives in the Middle East, a gift wrapper in Dubai and a "magician balloon decorator" elsewhere in the United Arab Emirates. The agency was also recruiting workers for Burger King and Starbucks outlets in the Middle East. ("Must have fashion for coffee," the ad for Starbucks said.) Another company operating in the Middle East wanted diesel mechanics, flower arrangers, structural engineers, wedding card designers, massage therapists, website designers, accountants and nannies. In another neighborhood, three blocks from the U.S. Embassy, a crowded sidewalk serves as an informal hiring hall for sailors. The Philippines produces nearly 25% of the world’s seafaring workers, more than any other nation. Hundreds of would-be sailors were hanging around in the shade of the leafy narra trees as agents wandered by, holding up signs offering jobs on ships sailing from Germany, Argentina, Los Angeles or Greece. Some sought engineers and first mates for cargo ships. Others needed chefs and waiters for cruises. A salesman offered small vials of python oil, guaranteed to cure back pain, heart disease, joint dislocation, rheumatism, cough, arthritis and skin disease. Merchants offered CDs providing instruction on how to moor a ship, plan a voyage, speak "maritime English" and handle hazardous materials. Freddie Vicedo spent three decades at sea, earning enough to build a house 20 miles south of Manila and send his children to school. Now past the mandatory retirement age of 50, he was seeking one last job. "It’s OK to be away if it provides you with a home and a future," he said. "It’s better than living all together in poverty." The teeming neighborhood of Antipolo in central Manila is one of the city’s poorest. Thousands of families live along the railroad tracks in shanties of scrap wood and metal built one on top of the other, three stories high. Families sleep seven or eight to a room and cook over open fires between the tracks. Every month or so, someone is hit by a train. Children play in garbage. Old women play mah-jongg on a rickety table. A woman patiently picks lice from a girl’s hair. It is not uncommon for families to hold a wake in the middle of the sweltering streets, as Danilo Paredes did for his 18-year-old daughter, Raquel. Lying in an open coffin placed on a table, she looked small for her age, but at peace amid the chaos. Paredes said he didn’t know what killed her, only that he didn’t have the $25 for the medicine the doctor prescribed. Residents look for any way out. "I hate this place," said Mary Grace Libao, 13. She and her friend, Clarivel de los Santos, also 13, said they wanted to be singers in Japan. "In Japan I will make enough money to buy a house for my family," Clarivel said. All over Japan, salarymen come to Philippine pubs to escape the tedium and stress of their jobs. They drink sake and sing karaoke with "japayuki," beautiful, scantily clad young women. In Osaka, the Philippine clubs are concentrated in the crowded Dotonburi district. Many are controlled by Japanese organized crime. Customers spend as much as $500 an evening in one of the better establishments. Large clubs typically stage a brief show in which the women sing a few songs and dance. The rest of the time, they flirt with the customers, pouring sake, feeding them and lighting their cigarettes. They can make more in tips in an evening than they could working for a month as a salesclerk back home. They can make even more if they agree to have sex. "The customers make offers," said Estrella Pumar, 31, who was heading from Manila to Osaka for her second tour. "It’s up to the girls to decide what kind of life to live." The women live six or seven to a room provided by their employers. If they are lucky, they get a day off every two weeks. Many aspire to marry a Japanese man and secure a residency permit. Having a child in Japan ensures residency status after a divorce, which is how 80% of these marriages end. Wendy, 37, followed her mother to Japan in the 1990s. A brother and sister moved to Los Angeles. She spent 10 years working in pubs before marrying a Japanese man, having a son and opening her own club in Osaka, the Twin Angels. "It’s better to be here than in the Philippines," said Wendy, who declined to give her full name. But someday she’d like to return home and perhaps open a McDonald’s. In the meantime, she said, "we have to survive." The wards are overflowing at Negros Oriental Provincial Hospital, and dozens of patients lie on cots in the corridors. Some have just given birth. Others have just had surgery. Some will die in the hallway. The hospital in Dumaguete, about 400 miles south of Manila, was built for 250 patients but usually has more than 350. Newborns stay in the same bed as their mothers; some have suffocated when their mothers rolled over in their sleep. Patients who come here have no choice. It’s the only hospital in the region they can afford. But for the doctors there is a way out: Study nursing and leave for the United States or Europe, where qualified nurses are in short supply. Medical regulations in the U.S. and European countries typically make it very difficult for foreign doctors to work there as physicians. But nurses are in such demand that some recruiters offer bonuses of $15,000, the equivalent of three years’ pay for a doctor in Dumaguete. Of 207 doctors in Negros Oriental province, 79 have become nurses and more than 30 are in nursing school. This hospital is supposed to have 72 doctors, but only 43 remain. The Dumaguete district has closed two of its six rural hospitals and may soon have to close a third, said Dr. Ely Villapando, the province’s chief health officer. "We are worried sick about medical doctors taking up nursing and leaving," said Villapando, 63, who also runs the hospital. "We are losing the most skilled doctors. This is a crisis in healthcare." An aid agency gave the hospital new cardiology equipment, but it sits unused. The hospital’s only cardiologist left to become an emergency-room nurse in Chicago. What she earned in a month here, she can now make before lunch. Here, patients are so poor that some pay in produce or livestock. X-rays cost a chicken. A bunch of bananas covers consultation. Delivering a baby costs one goat. Villapando makes the equivalent of $437 a month. Two of his children have become nurses in the United States, one in Bakersfield and one in Texas. They send him money. "My son already has a house of his own," he said. "He has two cars. My daughter is building a house and has two cars. They could not hope to achieve that here." To become nurses, the doctors attend classes on weekends for a year and spend 2,200 hours as volunteer nurses at the hospital. Sometimes they do both jobs the same day. "Some of the patients get confused," said Dr. Joyce Maningo, an internist studying to be a nurse. "They say, ‘Weren’t you a doctor this morning?’ "
"If I go to the States, I will have to forget I am a doctor," she said as she made her nursing rounds. "I love the Philippines, but it will always be a Third World country." Runaway maids arrive at the Philippine Embassy in Kuwait desperate, bruised, hungry and penniless. They slip out of their employers’ homes in the dead of night through a window, over a wall or by walking out a door accidentally left unlocked. They break the law simply by leaving without permission. Some spend more than a year in the embassy compound, waiting for their passports, back pay or the resolution of their legal cases. If they step outside, they can be arrested. At times, more than 500 women live at the offices of the Overseas Workers Welfare Administration next to the embassy. The building gets so crowded that the women cannot all lie down to sleep at the same time. "It’s like a prison," said Annabelle Abing, who lived there for three months. More than 750,000 Philippine maids work in Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern countries, where they often face legalized discrimination, beatings and sexual abuse. The women frequently live in isolation, forbidden even to telephone their families. If they file a legal claim against their employer, they can be deported or imprisoned on trumped-up charges. "They are treated like modern slaves," said Maita Santiago, secretary-general of Migrante International, a rights group for Philippine workers. "When workers are in distress, the government doesn’t stand up for their rights for fear of the markets of foreign countries closing to Filipino workers." Perhaps the toughest country for domestic workers is Saudi Arabia. Sheila Marie Macatiag, 28, was earning $12 a month at a car stereo factory in the Philippines when she decided to take a job in Saudi Arabia to support her parents and six younger siblings. Macatiag said she was forced to work from 5 a.m. to midnight, verbally abused for the smallest mistake and never given enough to eat. During her first six months, her employers paid her a total of $200; she had paid $300 to an employment agency in the Philippines to get the job. Fed up, she ran away to the employment agency’s local office. But by the time she got there, her employers had already complained that she had stolen money and watches from their vault. Police came and arrested her. Despite the absence of evidence or witnesses, she spent 13 months in jail, Macatiag said. "They told me they were going to cut off my hand or I would be sentenced to 108 years or I would die in prison," she said. "Even during trial they told me my hand would be cut off unless I admitted to the allegations." She maintained that she was innocent, but a Saudi court convicted her and she received five lashes on the hand with a cane. She has returned to the Philippines but doesn’t expect to find a job. "There are so many people here and so few jobs," Macatiag said. She is hoping to leave the country again: "Anywhere but the Middle East," she said. Even if there is no abuse, the emotional toll of being away from home can be heavy. In Hong Kong, Philippine maids gather by the thousands in the city center every Sunday to spend their day off together. They fill the parks and sidewalks and overflow into the streets. Sitting on cardboard or sheets of plastic, they hold prayer meetings, play cards and have picnics.The Overseas Class
March 26, 2006
Schools Cut Back Subjects to Push Reading and Math
By SAM DILLON
SACRAMENTO — Thousands of schools across the nation are responding
to the reading and math testing requirements laid out in No Child Left
Behind, President Bush’s signature education law, by reducing class
time spent on other subjects and, for some low-proficiency students,
eliminating it.
Schools from Vermont to California are increasing — in some cases
tripling — the class time that low-proficiency students spend on reading
and math, mainly because the federal law, signed in 2002, requires
annual exams only in those subjects and punishes schools that fall short of
rising benchmarks.
The changes appear to principally affect schools and students who
test below grade level.
The intense focus on the two basic skills is a sea change in
American instructional practice, with many schools that once offered rich
curriculums now systematically trimming courses like social studies,
science and art. A nationwide survey by a nonpartisan group that is to be
made public on March 28 indicates that the practice, known as narrowing
the curriculum, has become standard procedure in many communities.
The survey, by the Center on Education Policy, found that since the
passage of the federal law, 71 percent of the nation’s 15,000 school
districts had reduced the hours of instructional time spent on history,
music and other subjects to open up more time for reading and math. The
center is an independent group that has made a thorough study of the new
act and has published a detailed yearly report on the implementation of
the law in dozens of districts.
“Narrowing the curriculum has clearly become a nationwide pattern,”
said Jack Jennings, the president of the center, which is based in
Washington.
At Martin Luther King Jr. Junior High School in Sacramento, about
150 of the school’s 885 students spend five of their six class periods
on math, reading and gym, leaving only one 55-minute period for all
other subjects.
About 125 of the school’s lowest-performing students are barred from
taking anything except math, reading and gym, a measure that Samuel
Harris, a former lieutenant colonel in the Army who is the school’s
principal, said was draconian but necessary. “When you look at a kid and you
know he can’t read, that’s a tough call you’ve got to make,” Mr. Harris
said.
The increasing focus on two basic subjects has divided the nation’s
educational establishment. Some authorities, including Secretary of
Education Margaret Spellings, say the federal law’s focus on basic skills
is raising achievement in thousands of low-performing schools. Other
experts warn that by reducing the academic menu to steak and potatoes,
schools risk giving bored teenagers the message that school means
repetition and drilling.
“Only two subjects? What a sadness,” said Thomas Sobol, an
education professor at Columbia Teachers College and a former New York State
education commissioner. “That’s like a violin student who’s only
permitted to play scales, nothing else, day after day, scales, scales, scales.
They’d lose their zest for music.”
But officials in Cuero, Tex., have adopted an intensive approach
and said it was helping them meet the federal requirements. They have
doubled the time that all sixth graders and some seventh and eighth
graders devote to reading and math, and have reduced it for other subjects.
“When you only have so many hours per day and you’re behind in some
area that’s being hammered on, you have to work on that,” said Henry Lind,
the schools superintendent. “It’s like basketball. If you can’t make
layups, then you’ve got to work on layups.”
Chad Colby, a spokesman for the federal Department of Education,
said the department neither endorsed nor criticized schools that
concentrated instructional time on math and reading as they sought to meet the
test benchmarks laid out in the federal law’s accountability system,
known as adequate yearly progress.
“We don’t choose the curriculum,” Mr. Colby said. “That’s a
decision that local leaders have to make. But for every school you point to, I
can show you five other schools across the country where students are
still taking a well-rounded curriculum and are still making adequate
yearly progress. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask our schools to get
kids proficient at grade level in reading and math.”
In case anyone is interested, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life
well and with Now, send this to 11 people within the next 5 minutes. And remember to Send this back…I count as 1…you’ll see why. Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forward.
great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists.
She is
represented by roses. May everyone who receives this message be blessed.
Theresa’s Prayer
cannot be deleted. REMEMBER to make a wish before you read the poem.
That’s all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to eleven people and let me know what happens on the fourth day. Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of reward. (Did you make a wish?) If you don’t make a wish, it won’t come true. This is your last chance to make a wish. St. Theresa’s Prayer:
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you….
May you be content knowing you are a child of God…. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.
Male domestic abuse: the truth
Aine Toner
In 2001 alone, over 1,000 men in the North reported incidents of domestic violence to the police. Men typically face a greater degree of disbelief than women do in this situation. There is still the belief men cannot be victims of domestic violence. Many people assume men to be the aggressors and women the victims and find it almost inconceivable to view things the other way round.
Even if you’ve been more seriously injured on a football or rugby pitch, that is not the same thing as being assaulted by your partner or spouse.
Abuse may be overt – angry outbursts, name-calling or violence – or covert – more subtle things such as brainwashing. Abuse is insidious; it destroys self esteem and confidence. It may force you to try and change to please your abuser.
Mary Cleary, co-ordinator and founder of Amen, a voluntary advice service for men and children who are victims of domestic violence, says the idea of men not coming forward because of being emasculated shows "a lack of awareness".
"I think the main reason is because there are no services for them. There are numbers of men coming forward in the last 20 years who are victims of domestic abuse. We need to create awareness of male violence," she says.
"If we start talking about figures we’re defeating what we’re about. I would say men and women in intimate relationships abuse in equal numbers. Nobody knows for sure what goes on.
"We meet with men individually and collectively. Some come from the North and Donegal for information. We give them information about the options available through the courts. It’s about empowering themselves."
"Domestic abuse is under reported anyway, so male domestic violence goes often ignored," says Shannon Shuemake, a spokesperson with Victim Support.
"It’s a hidden issue and men believe they are the only one with this experience."
"Women account for more than 50 per cent of callers; women ringing for their sons, or sons-in-law, looking for help," explains Cleary.
"In the first year, we received about 3,000 calls and it’s been increasing year on year. With new information and media interest, more men come out to speak."
Ciaran* knew he was marrying an assertive woman but couldn’t have foreseen the direction his marriage would take.
"In respect of personalities, she was more assertive and I wasn’t. It was in my nature to give in for the sake of peace," he says.
"There was violence used before the wedding. I thought when the wedding was over, things would be ok. We were reasonably ok for a few years, but she dictated what she did.
"Contact between my family and friends worsened. She made them feel so unwelcome they stopped coming and she wouldn’t visit them with me.
"Her and her mother dictated about my children and I would find out by accident. I was never shown school reports and, because I knew where she hid them, I would look at them on the quiet. She saw the children as her property.
"The controlling got so bad that I felt I had to stand up to her. When I did, she said: ‘If you don’t like it, get out.’
"She knew the biases there against men in family law cases. Because she was the dependent spouse, she would get custody of the children and the house. I was the provider spouse and would get nothing.
"It developed into physical abuse. Slaps in the face turned into kicks in the shin. I still have a very bad scar on my left shin, ten years later.
"She was forever pushing the boundaries. I knew it could end in tragedy when she started using weapons. I left eight and a half years ago."
Ciaran now works for Amen in helping others like himself.
Domestic violence is not merely a "woman’s" issue; it is a social and family problem which affects men, women and children and needs to be examined in its full context or it will continue to damage family systems.
Most of the recorded complaints of domestic violence are made by women but the failure of men to complain to the authorities doesn’t mean they are not also victimised.
"There’s an extra dimension with male domestic violence. There’s a fear of ridicule and fear of a lack or belief from their family and friends", says Shuemake of Victim Support.
"It’s not really spoken about, either independently or in the media. Men don’t see their experiences reflected in the media so are less likely to speak out."
Ciaran from Amen agrees. "When I left home, there was no support." He urges men and women to ring the helpline for advice: "I can more than sympathise, I can empathise. I know how difficult it can be.
"I urge you, if you’re a victim, to contact someone. Everybody has someone you can confide in.
"Violence disempowers you and destroys your confidence. That feeling of isolation won’t go away unless you seek help."
If you are the victim of domestic violence there are some steps you can take:
• Keep a diary of all incidents of abuse with dates, times and details
• If you’re injured, get photos if you can of the injuries and report them to your doctor, ensuring you tell him it was due to domestic violence
• Do try and tell your family and friends about the abuse
• If provoked, do not try and retaliate otherwise your partner or spouse can manipulate this
• Seek legal advice as soon as possible
• Seek emotional support and counselling also as soon as possible
In the North, the Victim Support helpline is 0845 3030900, in the South it’s (+353 1) 87808 You can ring Amen on (+353 46) 9076864 or visit their website on www.amen.ie.
* In the interests of confidentiality, we have changed this name.
GOD’S WAS THE FIRST HEART TO BREAK…
A homily on the 2nd night of vigil for Fr. Michael Rooney, SJ
by: Fr. Danilo B. Isidro, S.J.
University Church of Christ the King Ateneo de Naga University 4 April
2006
http://www.philjesuit.net/jspeak.asp?jID=35
During the graduation of the Ateneo de Davao High school in March,
1996,
there was a couple who were teary-eyed from the time the baccalaureate
Mass started and through the awarding of high school diplomas. No, they
had no son or daughter graduating that evening. They were there for the
close friends of their son who would have graduated on that day. Their
only son (in fact, only child), Paolo, died after a series of (five)
operations midway through the school year.
I remember that during the wake, Paolo’s father did not talk much. It
was his mother who said of the relationship of her husband and her son,
"They simply adored each other…" and then continued with these heart
wrenching words: "My 16 year old Paolo, who enjoyed beating his old man
at every game of one-on-one basketball and in every swimming race, beat
his father to the grave."
When we hear such words we instinctively feel, "It shouldn’t be, such
things should never be!" But they do happen–though we would rather
believe they don’t–especially when they happen to us.
My dear friends, the same thing can be said of our dear, FATHER MICHAEL
ROONEY: "These things should not be!" He may be old, if many of the
students he guides in Ateneo de Naga High School think a man of 67 is
old, but still we want him around a little (much) longer.
We feel this way. We have these thoughts. And so does God. The default
reading for funeral mass (from the book of Wisdom) reminds us: "The
souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch
them. They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead; and their
passing away was thought an affliction and their going forth from us,
utter destruction. But they are in peace." For death was not God’s
doing. God takes no pleasure in the destruction of the living. He
created all things that they might have life, all his creatures that
they might have health.
Why death? That’s part of the mystery we live. Scripture does not
attempt to explain. It simply says, "The devil’s envy brought death
into
the world." That is not much of an explanation. It does, however,
reassure us that it was not God’s intention, that God wants nothing but
what is good for us. Having all the answers would not take away the
pain
anyway. We would still have our sorrow. Our faith in God gives us our
hope and comfort.
Echoing the message from the book of Wisdom, (we can say that) our
consolation lies in knowing that it was not the will of God that Father
Mike dies; that when he breathed his last early yesterday morning,
God’s
heart was the first of all our hearts to break. This is the God we
believe in, the God we worship…not a God who wants illness and
suffering for his people but the God who became one of us.
Jesus Christ shared our life. He suffered and died to overcome illness
and death, to restore us to God’s original intention, to help us
realize
that God knows the pain of life, its struggle: "My God, my God, why
have
you abandoned me?" He knew the shock, the disbelief. This can’t be
happening to me: the feeling that God isn’t there.
But even in the middle of grief and aloneness Jesus said, "Father, into
your hands I commend my spirit." In faith, we are doing the same here,
placing Father Mike, and ourselves in God’s hands, trusting that he
restores his health and life and will heal our pain.
St. Paul, in his letter to the Thessalonians, speaks of this living of
faith in the midst of sorrow. With him we believe that those who died
are better off than us. We believe that, but we are not better off for
losing them. Our faith does not minimize our loss but our faith teaches
us to love. The pain we feel now is the price we pay for loving our
dear
brother in Christ. A small price, considering all that we have received
from him and through him.
And what did we receive from Father Mike? I am sure many things . . .
different things to different groups of people.
The GIFT OF LAUGHTER. He was such a jolly person and his laughter was
contagious almost. I remember weekday afternoons at the Loyola House of
Studies Library in the seventies when I was a philosophy student and
Father Mike was studying theology. He would often study in the same
spot
in the library, sharing a table with the late Father Amado Cruz. I
would
often be disturbed by their laughter, a laughter which will make Father
Amado’s chinky eyes diasappear and Father Mike turn red. But I did not
mind because their laughter broke the monotony of studying in the
afternoon.
If former President Joseph Estrada has his "Eraptions", I was thinking
I
could also publish "Mike-rooneysms", a collection of Father Mike’s
malapropism or un-intended (ludicrous) misuse of words that sound
alike.
One time, when our Jesuit house was still new and the High School has
not transferred to Pacol, we were in our dining room and he pointed to
a
high school student coming from the back field. He said, "You know that
small boy there is graduating this year. He is very small because he
has
genital defect." To which I exclaimed, "Michael?!" And he said, "But
that is true! He was born with that defect that’s why he’s small." And
I
said, "Michael, the word is ‘congenital’."
Often, during meals at the Jesuit residence, he would clamor for jokes
.
. . and then he would grade them. He would give a joke a grade as high
as 99.99 % if it were really funny. If it were not, he would not give
the joke a failing mark, he would just say, "Corny!"
A CARING PERSON. Ever since I have known Father Mike, he had always
been
fond of speaking in the dialect. In Manila, and later in Davao where he
stayed for some years, he tried to speak in Tagalog. When he moved to
Cagayan de Oro, he adjusted his tongue to Cebuano. Then here in Naga,
he
still tried to learn Bikolano. I believe he really wanted to be in
touch
with the people he worked with and worked for. He wanted to understand
them and made sure his message is understood also. I am sure this is
something that did not escape you, especially at Mass, how he spoke
clearly and how he enunciated every word he said while proclaiming the
gospel or while delivering his homily.
Yes, Father Mike was a very caring person. I do not think he was
capable
of hurting anybody physically, but he would not want to hurt anybody
even with his words. And he always wanted to please people: if you
needed anything, if you had any request, he would try to attend to you
and respond to your need immediately. In the provincial jail, along
with
other volunteers, he ministered to the prisoners, helping them in any
way he could–from distributing bath soap to mailing prisoners’ letters
to relatives, from providing corrugated boxboards for mats to listening
to their stories, from sharing simple snacks to leading them to Christ
in His own banquet we call the Eucharist. In the High School, I know he
preferred writing individual recommendations for college for the
seniors
than ticking boxes in a recommendation checklist. In the Jesuit
community, as our house minister, he usually put it as a joke: "Ano’ng
problema, Bay?" or "Do you need anything?" Of course, he was always
hesitant, if not afraid, to ask me if I needed anything because I would
tell him I need 2.6 million (pesos) for a render farm in the Digital
Animation Department or plane fare to visit my parents in New York. And
he was very thoughtful. I remembered how, after spending the summer in
the U.S.A., he brought chocolates for the Jesuit community and t-shirts
for the boys helping us in the house. Never mind if he only bought them
from SM upon his return (as I saw the price labels). It was the thought
that counted.
A PRAYER . . . a man of prayer. This is what about Father Mike that I
find very edifying. I would pass by his room in the morning, sometimes
his door already open, and he would be seated inside with his breviary.
Often, early in the morning, he would be out in our porch in the second
floor, praying or reflecting. In the late afternoon or early evening,
if
I came in early to our house chapel for our evening prayer, Father Mike
would be there, sitting in the dark, praying quietly. I believe he has
made his home in God just as Jesus Christ has done. This is also the
invitation of today’s readings to all of us. We are invited into a
deepening trust of God. Jesus is asking us to make our home in God just
as he has done. "I say only what the Father has taught me," Jesus says
to them. "The One who sent me is with me. He has not deserted me…."
My dear friends, in the next few days, before we finally bring Father
Mike to his resting place, perhaps we will learn more about who Father
Mike is when we hear other people talk about parts of his life we
didn’t
know. Today Jesus reminds us about parts of God’s love for us that we
might fear to trust, because it doesn’t fit with our perspective of
human love. If only we can pray for the ability to trust God more as
Father Mike did, I believe our lives will be graced with more freedom.
Again, for you: my Jesuit brothers, Ateneo lay collaborators, sisters
from different congregations, students, alumni, the jailer and the
prisoners, volunteer workers, friends, and for me, Fr. Mike could be
this or that, a combination of all that I have mentioned or perhaps
more. Precisely because of this and every other thing he is to us that
we feel the sorrow and pain of his leaving us.
What can we say to take away the pain? I would like to have the words
to
do that for you. We know in our hearts that is not possible. Your love
and support in the days and weeks ahead will help do that. Perhaps,
however, the best words to remember are "God’s was the first heart to
break…" And we can add: His the first tear to shed when our Father
Mike died. And always remember His was the first heart to rejoice when
He welcomed our brother into His presence. This is the confidence and
hope we have been given through the cross and resurrection of Jesus Christ
The Family Code of the Philippines (continued)
|
TITLE II
LEGAL SEPARATION
Art. 55. A petition for legal separation may be filed on any of the following grounds:
(1) Repeated physical violence or grossly abusive conduct directed against the petitioner, a common child, or a child of the petitioner;
(2) Physical violence or moral pressure to compel the petitioner to change religious or political affiliation;
(3) Attempt of respondent to corrupt or induce the petitioner, a common child, or a child of the petitioner, to engage in prostitution, or connivance in such corruption or inducement;
(4) Final judgment sentencing the respondent to imprisonment of more than six years, even if pardoned;
(5) Drug addiction or habitual alcoholism of the respondent;
(6) Lesbianism or homosexuality of the respondent;
(7) Contracting by the respondent of a subsequent bigamous marriage, whether in the Philippines or abroad;
(8) Sexual infidelity or perversion;
(9) Attempt by the respondent against the life of the petitioner; or
(10) Abandonment of petitioner by respondent without justifiable cause for more than one year.
For purposes of this Article, the term "child" shall include a child by nature or by adoption. (9a)
Art. 56. The petition for legal separation shall be denied on any of the following grounds:
(1) Where the aggrieved party has condoned the offense or act complained of;
(2) Where the aggrieved party has consented to the commission of the offense or act complained of;
(3) Where there is connivance between the parties in the commission of the offense or act constituting the ground for legal separation;
(4) Where both parties have given ground for legal separation;
(5) Where there is collusion between the parties to obtain decree of legal separation; or
(6) Where the action is barred by prescription. (100a)
Art. 57. An action for legal separation shall be filed within five years from the time of the occurrence of the cause. (102)
Art. 58. An action for legal separation shall in no case be tried before six months shall have elapsed since the filing of the petition. (103)
Art. 59. No legal separation may be decreed unless the Court has taken steps toward the reconciliation of the spouses and is fully satisfied, despite such efforts, that reconciliation is highly improbable. (n)
Art. 60. No decree of legal separation shall be based upon a stipulation of facts or a confession of judgment.
In any case, the Court shall order the prosecuting attorney or fiscal assigned to it to take steps to prevent collusion between the parties and to take care that the evidence is not fabricated or suppressed. (101a)
Art. 61. After the filing of the petition for legal separation, the spouses shall be entitled to live separately from each other.
The court, in the absence of a written agreement between the spouses, shall designate either of them or a third person to administer the absolute community or conjugal partnership property. The administrator appointed by the court shall have the same powers and duties as those of a guardian under the >Rules of Court. (104a)
Art. 62. During the pendency of the action for legal separation, the provisions of Article 49 shall likewise apply to the support of the spouses and the custody and support of the common children. (105a)
Art. 63. The decree of legal separation shall have the following effects:
(1) The spouses shall be entitled to live separately from each other, but the marriage bonds shall not be severed;
(2) The absolute community or the conjugal partnership shall be dissolved and liquidated but the offending spouse shall have no right to any share of the net profits earned by the absolute community or the conjugal partnership, which shall be forfeited in accordance with the provisions of Article 43(2);
(3) The custody of the minor children shall be awarded to the innocent spouse, subject to the provisions of Article 213 of this Code; and
(4) The offending spouse shall be disqualified from inheriting from the innocent spouse by intestate succession. Moreover, provisions in favor of the offending spouse made in the will of the innocent spouse shall be revoked by operation of law. (106a)
Art. 64. After the finality of the decree of legal separation, the innocent spouse may revoke the donations made by him or by her in favor of the offending spouse, as well as the designation of the latter as beneficiary in any insurance policy, even if such designation be stipulated as irrevocable. The revocation of the donations shall be recorded in the registries of property in the places where the properties are located. Alienations, liens and encumbrances registered in good faith before the recording of the complaint for revocation in the registries of property shall be respected. The revocation of or change in the designation of the insurance beneficiary shall take effect upon written notification thereof to the insured.
The action to revoke the donation under this Article must be brought within five years from the time the decree of legal separation become final. (107a)
Art. 65. If the spouses should reconcile, a corresponding joint
A POLITICAL PLATFORM WORTH EXAMINING
By Kapatiran sa Pangkalahatang Kabutihan
The upcoming local elections in May 2007 need not again be a choice among the “least of evils”. Barring any unfortunate development that may be brought about by a hasty charter change, we shall be electing into public office 12 senators, 212 congressional district representatives, 53 party list congressmen, 158 provincial governors and vice-governors, 758 provincial board members, 3,230 mayors and vice-mayors, and 13,314 councilors or a total of 17,725 public positions. Time flies but with 2 years down the road, let us prepare ahead and not be demoralized early or withdraw into silence or resign altogether such as to let fate alone determine our country’s future.
Imagine a million, two million, three million or more Filipinos comprising of individuals from all walks of life, of various faiths, of NGOs, of civil societies, of sectoral groups, of business and labor organizations bonding together to form the single largest non-partisan political movement ever, united under a common platform of government for the common good rooted on such universal principles as sanctity of the human life and dignity of the human person; call to family, community and participation; rights and responsibilities; options for the poor and vulnerable; dignity of work and rights of workers; solidarity and care for God’s creation; and consistent ethic of life - and demanding the same from all candidates and political parties alike vying for elective positions in our land!
Let us then examine the following platform prepared by Kapatiran sa Pangkalahatang Kabutihan, or for short, KPK - a political movement for the common good, a foundation registered with the Securities & Exchange Commission.
SPIRITUAL DIMENSION
1) Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.
MORAL DIMENSION
2) Promote the integral development and total well-being of all Filipinos – in and outside the schools – through character-building, values formation,….consistent ethic of life and basic political education.
3) Dismantle the social structures that glorify guns, sex and pornography, the culture of death and violence, dishonesty, vice, materialism and hedonism, and replace them with structures of virtue, peace, responsibility and achievement.
4) Abolish all forms of gambling whether run by government or the private sector.
5) Abolish the death penalty.
6) End the use of torture to extract confession.
7) End fraternity violence in schools and other institutions, as well as in sports whose main aim is to inflict physical harm or violence on the opponent.
8) Actively promote responsible parenthood and natural family planning.
9) Reorient mass media towards fostering values that contribute to the formation of national commitment that is maka-Diyos, maka-bayan, at maka-tao.
FOREIGN POLICY
10) Fulfill Isaiah’s prophecy: “They (peoples) shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks, nation shall not raise sword against another nation, neither shall they train for war again (gunless society)”; to be a nation that is a friend to all and an enemy to none; pursue peace based on love, justice, reconciliation, active nonviolence and progressive disarmament for all nations.
SOCIAL DIMENSION
(Good Governance)
11) Abolish the “pork barrel” system in any form and regardless of its name.
12) Accord the highest priority to projects and programs for the underprivileged, the homeless, the elderly, the prisoners, the disabled veterans and the youth; and support non-government organizations or communities whose projects directly benefit the poor.
13) Make representation before the Supreme Court to bring about the speedy administration of justice.
14) Ensure rapid and sustained economic growth for sustainable poverty reduction and better quality of life for all.
raise private and public savings rates to increase total investment rate;
enhance investment in human resource development, especially by strengthening education in the sciences, mathematics, engineering and English;
streamline government bureaucracy to reduce personnel expenditures (besides reducing corruption);
drastically improve tax administration and revenue generation;
do away with laws, rules and regulations that give government personnel, like the BIR, the discretion to allow or disallow certain deductions or exemptions, etc.;
prioritize agricultural development and attain a high degree of self-sufficiency by encouraging productivity through the introduction of new technologies and support infrastructure;
promote industrialization by encouraging the expansion of useful industries, including telecommunications and information technology, to more effectively harness our God-given resources for the economic well-being of the people; attain a stable balance of trade by encouraging the development of new export products and improving existing ones.
15) Ensure transparency and public accountability in government activities and transactions; reinforce vigilance against graft and corruption, abuse of authority, and waste in all three branches of the government and at all levels of bureaucracy; public officials must live within their means and shun profligacy.
16) Enforce by administrative/ criminal action failure by public officials to liquidate their cash advances within a reasonable period of time as may be prescribed by law or regulation.
17) Undertake a thorough review of the systems and procedures and guidelines on procurement in all government institutions aimed at forestalling the commission of graft and corruption.
18) Promote a safe, clean, healthy and wholesome environment, particularly zero-waste management; promote stewardship as a way of life; and promote the development of parks throughout the country.
SOCIAL DIMENSION
(Peace and Order)
19) Make it a criminal offense for anyone to carry a gun or any other deadly weapon in public places, unless the bearer is authorized, in uniform and on duty; enforce the law against the use of tinted windows in motor vehicles.
20) Restore the original stiff penalty for the illegal possession of firearms, without pardon or parole.
21) Mandate the periodic public inventory, decommissioning and melting down of all confiscated guns for conversion into useful instruments.
22) Actively promote a drug-free Philippines by helping identify drug lords, pushers and users and taking part in their arrest, prosecution and sanction according to the tenets of justice.
SOCIAL DIMENSION
(Political Culture)
23) End the practice of appointing former military officers as Secretary of National Defense.
24) Disallow elected and appointed public officials from writing regular columns, from acting in movies and television shows, from acting as commentators or anchorpersons on radio and television, and from appearing on TV and radio commercials and print advertisements and billboards.
25) End the unwholesome practice of setting up billboards or similar media in public places naming the public official responsible for the project.
26) Apply to everyone the Constitutional ban against relatives of incumbent government officials up to the third degree from seeking public office simultaneously or succeeding the former, and to make it unlawful for any member of the Senate or the House of Representatives to run for another office without first resigning from his/her position six months before the elections.
27) To field national and local candidates (servant leaders) who are morally upright and competent and who subscribe to the objectives and platform of the Party.
28) Submit to the Filipino people proposed amendments to the Philippine Constitution consistent with the principles, values and objectives of the Party.
Let us therefore UNITE ON A COMMON PLATFORM to end the betrayal of public trust by elected & appointed public officials, man’s inhumanity to man, the poor and the marginalized exploited by unscrupulous politicians to promote selfish ends, the deterioration of public & private morality, the decline of the family, high crime rates and increased corruption in government.
Let us therefore UNITE ON A COMMON PLATFORM to renew the kind of politics we have, which has been characterized by personality, deception, hypocrisy, dishonesty, patronage, pay-off, immoral compromises, and of guns, goons and gold.
Let us therefore UNITE ON A COMMON PLATFORM to make politics an effective means for the integral development of all rather than a tool for the advancement of a privileged few; to prove that politics, far from being a distraction from the spiritual, is a medium through which we can love our neighbors, promote justice, peace, human rights, and the common good; and to be a vehicle for social transformation.
Let us therefore participate actively in a popular clamor for the emergence of responsible and accountable candidates and political parties with platforms comprising specific policy objectives, issues and concerns that promote the common good - the only antidote to our dirty politics!
JOIN US! YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!
Kapatiran sa Pangkalahatang Kabutihan (KPK)
29 Guerrero Street, Xavierville I, Loyola Heights, Quezon City
Phone: 911-7448; 929-0145 Fax: 421-4784
Mobile: (0917) 532-7936; (0918) 905-6569
Email: kpkcommongood@hotmail.com
FROM ATTACKS TO TALK OF ‘SIGNS,’ A SWIRL HAS ARISEN AROUND A FAMOUS APPARITION
There is suddenly more than the normal activity swirling around the famous apparition site of Medjugorje in Bosnia-Hercegovina. There is the approach of its 25th anniversary — and so many ready to attend that rooms are all but impossible to obtain. Crowds are said to be larger than ever (if not with so many Americans). There is the sudden flurry of new books on the apparitions. A number have been released in the last several months. There are the attacks: never in its more than two decades of history have there been so many attacks against the site. And there is the speculation on how Pope Benedict XVI feels about the happenings.
But mainly, there has been a series of extraordinary messages.
At a site where indications of the future are few and far between, and where seers carefully deflect questions about their “secrets” (focusing instead on standard Catholic teaching), now come two messages that suddenly sail beyond that low-key approach.
“Dear children! In this Lenten time, I call you to interior renunciation. The way to this leads you through love, fasting, prayer and good works. Only with total interior renunciation will you recognize God’s love and the signs of the time in which you live. You will be witnesses of these signs and will begin to speak about them. I desire to bring you to this. Thank you for having responded to me,” was the missive reported on March 18, 2006, by seer Mirjana Dragicevic-Soldo, who was first to receive all ten secrets and who receives a monthly as well as an annual birthday appearance.
That was the annual message. And not long after, on March 25, 2006 — Feast of the Annunciation — was this message from another seer, Marija Pavlovic-Lunetti:
“Courage, little children! I decided to lead you on the way of holiness. Renounce sin and set out on the way of salvation, the way which my Son has chosen. Through each of your tribulations and sufferings God will find the way of joy for you. Therefore, little children, pray. We are close to you with our love. Thank you for having responded to my call.”
It was the first time in memory that the message did not start out with “Dear children” — and the word “courage” was used in a way that went beyond its previous usage at Medjugorje (where if anything it was used in terms of evangelization). Moreover, “decided” is past tense. It had been 13 years since “signs” was uttered in such a directly prophetic way.
We must always be cautious of problems in translation. But there was no mistaking the overall tenor of two messages less than a month apart. Was she saying that the apparitions were nearing their conclusion? Or was she simply hinting that something was coming — something big?
The few indications offered about the secrets indicate that they include events that will come as warnings to the world, followed by developments in the Church, at Medjugorje itself, and by “chastisements.” John Paul II was known to read the monthly messages — with many of his themes echoing them, including establishment of World Youth Day.
But it is the idea of darkness engulfing the world — a notion John Paul also repeated, in one of his last letters — as well as major events as purification that initially galvanized interest in the apparitions, and the new messages hearken to those early days, as well as to the 1990s.
In fact the last time she uttered the term “signs of the times” had been on January 25, 1993, and then several months later on August 25, 1993, at the height of the civil war in former Yugoslavia — a time when bombs could be heard at night echoing from the nearby city of Mostar and Medjugorje itself had been threatened (but miraculously spared).
“May every hatred and jealousy disappear from your life and your thoughts, and may there only dwell love for God and for your neighbor,” she said that January. “Thus, and only thus shall you be able to discern the signs of the time.”
“Read Sacred Scripture, live it, and pray to understand the signs of the times,” she said that August.
In using similar language now was she simply pointing to the war in Iraq – which at the time of the 2006 messages was going especially badly, with sectarian strife, with the beginnings of civil war as there had been civil war in Bosnia – or is it of higher moment?
The few times she had otherwise used the word “signs” had to do with “signs” of spring, or “signs” of God in a sunrise. It had to do with nature.
These were very weighty words. It was hard to conceive of the seers formulating all this themselves, in such a perfectly succinct way. To do so, each would have to be a proficient writer – at times, more than a proficient writer. It was powerful and exacting prose.
Whatever the Church deems true or untrue (by which we will strictly abide), these were poignant reminders that what was occurring
Separation Safety Plan (adapted from the Metro Nashville Police Department) ——————————————————————————– Name:_______________________ _______Date:____________ The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner’s violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety. ——————————————————————————– Step 1: Safety during a violent incident. Women cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, battered women may use a variety of strategies. I can use some or all of the following strategies: A. If I decide to leave, I will ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells or fire escapes would you use?) B. I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them (place) _________________ in order to leave quickly. C. I can tell _____________________about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house. D. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department. E. I will use _______________________ as my code for my children or my friends so they can call for help. F. If I have to leave my home, I will go _____________________ (Decide this even if you don’t think there will be a next time). If I cannot go to the location above, then I can go to_________ __________________or ______________________________. G. I can also teach some of these strategies to some/all my children. H. When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as ____________ ____________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door). I. I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/her down. I have to protect myself until I/we are out of danger. ——————————————————————————– Step 2: Safety when preparing to leave. Battered women frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety. Batterers often strike back when they believe that a battered woman is leaving the relationship. I can use some or all the following safety strategies: A. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with _____________________ so that I can leave quickly. B. I will keep copies of important documents or keys at _______________________. C. I will open a savings account by ______________, to increase my independence. D. Other things I can do to increase my independence include: E. The Women’s Resources hot line number is 570-421-4200 (Police can be reached at 911 or ___________) and I can seek shelter by calling the hot line. F. I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I under stand that if I use my telephone credit card, the following month the telephone bill will tell my batterer those numbers that I called after I left. To keep my telephone communications confidential, I must either use coins or a pre-paid calling card or I might get a friend to permit me to use their telephone credit card for a limited time when I first leave. G. I will check with ____________________ and _____________ ____ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money. H. I can leave extra clothes with _________________________. I. I will sit down and review my safety plan every ________________ in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence. ________________ (domestic violence advocate or friend) has agreed to help me review this plan. J. I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children. ——————————————————————————– Step 3: Safety in my own residence. There are many things that a woman can do to increase her safety in her own residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step. Safety measures I can use include: A. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible. B. I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors. C. I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc. D. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows. E. I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my house/apartment. F. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my house. G. I will teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _______________(friend/minister/ other) in the event that my partner takes the children. H. I will tell people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. The people I will inform about pick-up permission include: __________________________________________(school), ________________________________________(day care staff), ________________________________________(babysitter), ___________________________________(Sunday school teacher), ________________________________________(teacher), ________________________________________(and), ________________________________________(others), I. I can inform ______________________________(neighbors), _______________________________________(pastor), and, _______________________________________(friend) that my partner no longer resides with me and that they should call the police if he is observed near my residence. ——————————————————————————– ——————————————————————————– Step 4: Safety with an Protection from Abuse Order.(IN PHILIPPINES permanent protection order (PPO) Many battered women obey PFA(PPO) orders, but one can never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate PFA(PPO) Orders. I recognize that I may need to ask the police and the court to enforce my PFA(PPO) Order. The following are some steps that I can take to help the enforcement of my PFA Order: A. I will keep my PFA Order _________________(location) (Always keep it on or near your person. If you change purses, that’s the first thing that should go in). B. I will give my PFA Order to police departments in the communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community where I live. C. There should be a county registry of PFA Orders that all police departments can call to confirm a PFA Order. I can check to make sure that my order is in registry. The telephone number for the county registry of PFA Order is _________________________________. D. For further safety, if I often visit other counties in Pennsylvania, I might file my PFA Order with the court in those counties. I will register my PFA Order in the following counties: ___________________ and _________________ that I have a PFA Order in effect. E. I can call the local domestic violence program if I am not sure about B, C, or D above or if I have some problem with my PFA Order. F. I will inform my employer, my minister, my closest friend and _____________ and ____________that I have a PFA Order in effect. G. If my partner destroys my PFA Order, I can get another copy from the Monroe County Courthouse by going to the Prothonotary’s office on the 3rd floor. H. If my partner violates the PFA Order, I can call the police and report a violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation. I. If the police do not help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and will file a complaint with the chief of the police department. J. I can also file a private criminal compliant with the district justice in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the district attorney. I can charge my battering partner with a violation of the Protection from Abuse Order [PFA Order] and all the crimes that he commits in violating the order. I can call the domestic violence advocate to help me with this. ——————————————————————————– Step 5: Safety on the job and in public. Each battered woman must decide if and when she will tell others that her partner has battered her and that she may be at continued risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect women. Each woman should consider carefully which people to invite to help secure her safety. I might do any or all of the following: A. I can inform my boss, the security supervisor and ___________ at work of my situation. B. I can ask ________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work. C. When leaving work, I can ______________________________ _________________________________________________. D. When driving home if problems occur, I can ________________ _________________________________________________. E. If I use public transit, I can ______________________________ _________________________________________________. F. I will go to different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are different than those when residing with my batterer partner. G. I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different from those I used when residing with my batterer partner. H. I can also __________________________________________. ——————————————————————————– Step 6: Safety and drug or alcohol use. Most people in this culture use alcohol. Many use mood-altering drugs. Much of this use is legal and some is not. The legal outcomes of using illegal drugs can be very hard on a battered woman, may hurt her relationship with her children and put her at a disadvantage in other legal actions with her battering partner. Therefore, women should carefully consider the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs. But beyond this, the use of any alcohol or other drug can reduce a woman’s awareness and ability to act quickly to protect herself from her battering partner. Furthermore, the use of alcohol or other drugs by the batterer may give him/her an excuse to use violence. Therefore, in the context of drug or alcohol use, a woman needs to make specific safety plans. If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with the battering partner, I can enhance my safety by some or all of the following: A. If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place and with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety. B. I can also ___________________________________________. C. If my partner is using, I can _____________________________. D. I might also _________________________________________. E. To safeguard my children, I might ______________________________________ and ______________________________________________. ——————————————————————————– Step 7: Safety and my emotional health. The experience of being battered and verbally degraded by partners is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. The process of building a new life for myself takes much courage and incredible energy. To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times, I can do some of the following: A. If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can _____________________________________________. B. When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can ____________________________________. C. I can try to use "I can . . . " statements with myself and to be assertive with others. D. I can tell myself - "_____________________________________ ______________________________" whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me. E. I can read ____________________________to help me feel stronger. F. I can call ___________________, ___________________ and _________________as other resources to be of support of me. G. Other things I can do to help me feel stronger are ____________ ______________, and _______________________________. H. I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or _________________________, or _____ _______________to gain support and strengthen my relationship with other people. ——————————————————————————– Step 8: Items to take when leaving. When women leave partners, it is important to take certain items with them. Beyond this, women sometimes give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of clothing to a friend just in case they have to leave quickly. Money : Even if I have never worked, I can legally the funds in our joint checking and savings accounts as either account holder has access to the entire balance. If I don’t take any money from the accounts, he can legally take all money and may be able to close the account and I may not get my share until the court rules on it, if ever. Items with asterisks on the following list are the most important to take. If there is time, the other items might be taken, or stored outside the home. These items might be placed in one location, so that if we have to leave in a hurry, I can grab them quickly. When I leave, I should have: * Identification for myself * Children’s birth certificate * My birth certificate * Social security cards * School and vaccination records * Money * Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Tellers Machine) card * Credit cards * Keys - house/car/office * Driver’s license and registration * Medication * Welfare identification, work permits, Green card * Passport(s), Divorce papers * Medical records - for all family members * Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book * Bank books, Insurance papers * Small saleable objects * Address book * Pictures, jewelry * Children’s favorite toys and/or blankets * Items of special sentimental value ——————————————————————————– Telephone numbers I need to know: Police department - home - 911(in the Philippines 117) Police department - school _____________________________ Police department - work ______________________________ Women’s Resources of Monroe County (570) 421-4200 (metro Manila 632-7355555) County registry of [PFA Order]s ______________________ Work number________________________________________ Supervisor’s home number_____________________________ Minister?Priest____________________________________________ Other______________________________________________ Barangay ——————————————————————————– I will keep this document in a safe place and out of the reach of my potential attacker. Review date:_________________________ ——————————————————————————– IF YOU NEED HELP IN FILLING OUT THIS PLAN YOU MAY ASK A WOMEN’S DESK, SOCIALWORKER/ CRISIS CENTER/
