Male domestic abuse: the truth

Aine Toner

In 2001 alone, over 1,000 men in the North reported incidents of domestic violence to the police. Men typically face a greater degree of disbelief than women do in this situation. There is still the belief men cannot be victims of domestic violence. Many people assume men to be the aggressors and women the victims and find it almost inconceivable to view things the other way round.

Even if you’ve been more seriously injured on a football or rugby pitch, that is not the same thing as being assaulted by your partner or spouse.

Abuse may be overt – angry outbursts, name-calling or violence – or covert – more subtle things such as brainwashing. Abuse is insidious; it destroys self esteem and confidence. It may force you to try and change to please your abuser.

Mary Cleary, co-ordinator and founder of Amen, a voluntary advice service for men and children who are victims of domestic violence, says the idea of men not coming forward because of being emasculated shows "a lack of awareness".

"I think the main reason is because there are no services for them. There are numbers of men coming forward in the last 20 years who are victims of domestic abuse. We need to create awareness of male violence," she says.

"If we start talking about figures we’re defeating what we’re about. I would say men and women in intimate relationships abuse in equal numbers. Nobody knows for sure what goes on.

"We meet with men individually and collectively. Some come from the North and Donegal for information. We give them information about the options available through the courts. It’s about empowering themselves."

"Domestic abuse is under reported anyway, so male domestic violence goes often ignored," says Shannon Shuemake, a spokesperson with Victim Support.

"It’s a hidden issue and men believe they are the only one with this experience."

"Women account for more than 50 per cent of callers; women ringing for their sons, or sons-in-law, looking for help," explains Cleary.

"In the first year, we received about 3,000 calls and it’s been increasing year on year. With new information and media interest, more men come out to speak."

Ciaran* knew he was marrying an assertive woman but couldn’t have foreseen the direction his marriage would take.

"In respect of personalities, she was more assertive and I wasn’t. It was in my nature to give in for the sake of peace," he says.

"There was violence used before the wedding. I thought when the wedding was over, things would be ok. We were reasonably ok for a few years, but she dictated what she did.

"Contact between my family and friends worsened. She made them feel so unwelcome they stopped coming and she wouldn’t visit them with me.

"Her and her mother dictated about my children and I would find out by accident. I was never shown school reports and, because I knew where she hid them, I would look at them on the quiet. She saw the children as her property.

"The controlling got so bad that I felt I had to stand up to her. When I did, she said: ‘If you don’t like it, get out.’

"She knew the biases there against men in family law cases. Because she was the dependent spouse, she would get custody of the children and the house. I was the provider spouse and would get nothing.

"It developed into physical abuse. Slaps in the face turned into kicks in the shin. I still have a very bad scar on my left shin, ten years later.

"She was forever pushing the boundaries. I knew it could end in tragedy when she started using weapons. I left eight and a half years ago."

Ciaran now works for Amen in helping others like himself.

Domestic violence is not merely a "woman’s" issue; it is a social and family problem which affects men, women and children and needs to be examined in its full context or it will continue to damage family systems.

Most of the recorded complaints of domestic violence are made by women but the failure of men to complain to the authorities doesn’t mean they are not also victimised.

"There’s an extra dimension with male domestic violence. There’s a fear of ridicule and fear of a lack or belief from their family and friends", says Shuemake of Victim Support.

"It’s not really spoken about, either independently or in the media. Men don’t see their experiences reflected in the media so are less likely to speak out."

Ciaran from Amen agrees. "When I left home, there was no support." He urges men and women to ring the helpline for advice: "I can more than sympathise, I can empathise. I know how difficult it can be.

"I urge you, if you’re a victim, to contact someone. Everybody has someone you can confide in.
"Violence disempowers you and destroys your confidence. That feeling of isolation won’t go away unless you seek help."

If you are the victim of domestic violence there are some steps you can take:
• Keep a diary of all incidents of abuse with dates, times and details
• If you’re injured, get photos if you can of the injuries and report them to your doctor, ensuring you tell him it was due to domestic violence
• Do try and tell your family and friends about the abuse
• If provoked, do not try and retaliate otherwise your partner or spouse can manipulate this
• Seek legal advice as soon as possible
• Seek emotional support and counselling also as soon as possible

In the North, the Victim Support helpline is 0845 3030900, in the South it’s (+353 1) 87808 You can ring Amen on (+353 46) 9076864 or visit their website on www.amen.ie.
* In the interests of confidentiality, we have changed this name.