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Hints for Happy Marriages
Interview With Father Michael Ryan, Philosophy Dean
ROME, APRIL 16, 2006 (Zenit.org).- Within a happy marriage the positive comments should outnumber the negative about 5 to 1, says an experienced marriage counselor.
Legionary Father Michael Ryan, who is also dean of philosophy at the Regina Apostolorum university in Rome, spells out other points of advice in his book, "The Last Straw: Ways to Overcome the Stumbling Blocks in Communication Towards a Stronger and Happier Marriage" (Circle Press).
In this interview with ZENIT, Father Ryan touched on some of the advice he gives married couples.
Q: In your book you say that many marriages break up because of misunderstandings and comparatively small things which could have been avoided. What are these things and what should be done in order to resolve them in time?
Father Ryan: Marriages break up when there is hurting going on in the relationship. It is very difficult to persevere in the company of somebody who is sour and unpleasant.
In a nutshell I would say that we must avoid in every way possible hurting others with words or actions. Second, we must foster the atmosphere in which one can express to the other what is hurting. And, finally, we must accept the fact that we can hurt others even when we don’t intend to do so.
As a general rule we must monitor frequently our relationship in order to cure as soon as possible any problem that may arise, even in spite of our good will. Each person is different and the sensitivity of each person is different.
Therefore, there is no set list of things that can cause problems to a marriage. Each man and women must become aware of what hurts a spouse.
The dangerous aspect of all this consists in the fact that we can hurt others without us realizing that we are doing so. This leads to the accumulation of pain which then can easily spill over.
Q: How can married persons cultivate a form of dialogue necessary for addressing problems or disagreements in an open but delicate way? When is the right time to speak about difficulties? How can you say the truth without hurting another?
Father Ryan: First, we should not be "complaining" all the time about everything. It is important to reserve our complaints for really important issues or for issues that have hurt us in a special way.
Remember that the proportion between positive and negative moments in marriage must be always about 5 to 1. For each negative moment, for each criticism I allow myself to issue, there should be another five positive inputs. Our toleration for negativity is very short.
Then, when I must address a negative subject I should always begin stating my love for the other person. This is like stretching a safety net below us before we begin our delicate act of complaining, opening a bleeding issue.
With this I am saying that however we may get engaged in a discussion, there must be no doubt about our love for each other. That will not be touched.
Third, we should treat one subject at a time. Sometimes when we get angry we spit out many issues and this only confuses the whole relationship. One critical issue at a time!
Finally, try not to get personal in the sense of accusations. Try to use what is called the "I messages." Instead of saying that "you are a horrible person," say, "I feel that you are a horrible person."
The difference might seem small, but the second way is much better because you are stating what you feel and not hammering the other on the head directly.
Q: Love and pain go together. The more one loves, the more one gets hurt if the loved one doesn’t seem to react in the expected way. How can love prevail over pain? How can each other’s understanding become more sensitive? How can one stop being selfish and egoistic?
Father Ryan: This is certainly the greatest challenge for love. I don’t think it is always a question of being selfish or egoistic.
It is a fact that we can love others when we feel that we too are loved. Even with God this is the way and this is what St. John says to us in his Letter: It is God that loves us first.
Q: But how do we get beyond this vicious circle, when love in the other is lacking?
Father Ryan: If we were only instinct, then there would be no way out. But we are also intellect and we can understand what the good of the other person means and we can love that good for him or for her.
But we will be able to overcome our own pain more fully if we get inspiration for love from above, from the source of love. This reminds us of what John Paul II says in his "Letter to Families": If we want to love, we must be united to the source of Love, with the big "L."
Q: How can the deep feelings for each other felt in the beginnings keep growing instead of dying down? How can they transform into true love?
Father Ryan: The couple must become aware of the phenomena of change and growth. It is very important to get off to a good start.
This means that the first years of marriage must be intense and full of loving commitment. Then they should renew their commitment often, every year or at least every time that life is going to change in an important way.
In other words, they should prepare for each stage of marriage: the arrival of children, the long years of raising the family, the seven-year itch period, when their children are adolescent and the couple are midway in their lives, etc.
Each stage should sum up the positives and negatives of the previous stage, make new commitments, let go of certain things that will never be, and strive to be interdependent in a healthy way.
Q: In your opinion, what’s the real secret of happy marriages?
Father Ryan: To answer that question I refer to the results of an extensive inquiry made in more that 20 countries, with more than 40 researchers asking questions to more that 17,000 families.
The results tells us that a happy marriage has the following characteristics: The couple spend time together, in quantity and quality; they know how to express their affection for each other; they show commitment to family life; they know how to discuss in a constructive way; they have shared spiritual values.
This is the recipe I would give any couple who want to build a happy future.
Q: What’s the difference between a Christian marriage and other ones?
Father Ryan: I would say that it is the horizon that the Christian faith gives to marriage — a horizon that help me understand the design of God the Creator when he instituted marriage.
The knowledge of this design tells us that we are created in the image of God, with the capacity of love. Faith also tells us that we have the grace of a sacrament to help us live our lives in love.
When marriage or families express all this in their prayer life, then they can feel its efficacy. It is shown that the practice of religion is an important factor in keeping families together and growing in plenitude.
Q: What’s the meaning and the significance of the sacrament of marriage?
Father Ryan: When a man loves a woman he will surely feel that he is not capable by himself of giving that woman all he would like for her in terms of complete happiness. Then he asks God for help.
Then God says to him: How nice, you and I love that same woman; we must make an alliance, a pact, to love her together.
This is the sacrament: God joins his love to our love. In this way every husband and every wife can say to each other: "I love you, with my human love, with all the characteristics proper to a human and sexual love, but my love has been enriched by the love that God has for you."
Q: What’s the will of God for married persons?
Father Ryan: I would like to summarize in the following way: To care for each other in the everyday things live, to make that person as happy as humanly possible, to raise a family, and to help each other and their children to strive for and reach the final destination of heaven.
Q: What can the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph tell a wife and husband?
Father Ryan: That life is made up of the small things but that these ordinary things can be lived in an extraordinary way.
Q: What would you advise young couples heading for a new form of life with each other?
Father Ryan: I would tell them to make sure that they begin their married life well. I believe in the saying that a good start is half the journey.
Therefore they must be aware that the wedding is only the beginning. From that moment onward they must build a new unity, gradually leaving behind many of the things to which they were accustomed.
They must be very sincere and tell one another what is happening in their hearts, especially if they perceive any clouds on the horizon. They should not be frightened if such clouds appear, because it is natural to find some difficulties on the way.
Finally, if any couple has a problem that they are not solving satisfactorily, then they should look for external help as early as possible.
Many a marriage could have been saved if they had looked for help in a timely fashion. To look for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of wisdom.
ZE06041622
Subject: Fw: FILIPINO WORKERS ABROAD-L.A.TIMES
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2006 17:40:49 +0800
They are the Philippines’ most successful export: its workers. Three decades ago, seeking sources of hard currency and an outlet for a fast-growing population, then-President Ferdinand Marcos encouraged Filipinos to find jobs in other countries. Over time, the overseas worker has become a pillar of the economy. Nine million Filipinos, more than one out of every 10, are working abroad. Every day, more than 3,100 leave the country. Philippine workers sent home more than $10.7 billion last year, equal to about 12% of the gross domestic product. The current president, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, calls them "the backbone of the new global workforce" and "our greatest export." Worldwide, these workers have earned a reputation for enterprise and hard work. They include some of the Philippines’ most talented people, well educated and multilingual. But as a third generation leaves to work abroad, it is clear the system has not led to prosperity. Policymakers have focused on easing the flow of workers rather than harnessing their earnings for economic development. Dependence on the export of people has become a formula for stagnation. Once one of the strongest in Asia, the Philippine economy now ranks near the bottom. The government invests little money in manufacturing, education or healthcare. The economy can’t create even the 1.5 million jobs a year needed to keep up with population growth. "We have a middle class, but they don’t live in the Philippines," said Doris Magsaysay Ho, head of a company that dispatches 18,000 workers a year to serve on ships around the world. Filipinos work in every country except North Korea, said Labor Secretary Patricia Santo Tomas, whose brother is a doctor in Orange County. More than 2.5 million work in the United States and nearly a million in Saudi Arabia. The money they earn trickles into towns and villages, helping build houses, open restaurants and send children to school. But the absence of so many industrious and skilled people — mothers and fathers, engineers and entrepreneurs — exacts a heavy toll. Across the Philippines, children are being raised by their grandparents. "Now children can buy a lot of computer games, but they don’t have a mother or father, or both," Santo Tomas said. For the sake of supporting their families, the overseas workers endure years of loneliness. Some, especially maids in the Middle East, suffer beatings and sexual abuse. In countries such as Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, they are jailed for running away. Yet the Philippines has grown so dependent on remittances that the thought of doing without them is frightening. "Money from abroad is the only thing that keeps the economy in motion," said Ding Lichauco, former head of the country’s economic planning office. "If you don’t encourage the employees to go overseas, you will have revolution." Providing sailors, maids, entertainers and other workers for a growing world market is a big business. In this competitive arena, the Philippines has an advantage. Many Filipinos speak English. They are generally better educated than workers from countries such as Bangladesh, Sri Lanka or Indonesia. And they have a reputation for being good-natured. An entire bureaucracy has been created around them. The Philippine Overseas Employment Administration helps find jobs in other countries, encourages workers to go abroad and processes some job applications. The Technical Education and Skills Development Agency offers free training in welding, driving heavy trucks and other skills. The Overseas Workers Welfare Administration stations diplomats around the world to look after the Philippines’ foreign workers. Those who bring or send their earnings home pay no income taxes. And the government offers returning workers low-cost equipment and tools to help them start small businesses. With that level of encouragement, an industry has developed to match workers and jobs.
A cook on a cargo ship can make more than Arroyo’s official salary of $1,000 a month. A bar singer in Japan can earn more than a Philippine senator. But the fees can run into the thousands of dollars; the better the job, the greater the cost. Notaries sit at small wooden desks on the sidewalk. Using manual typewriters, they help workers fill out the 14 documents they are required to submit. Large copy machines on the sidewalk crank out duplicates. Laboratories conduct blood, tuberculosis and drug tests to certify the workers’ health. Nearby are cellphone shops, money changers, cheap hotels and restaurants. Many Arab countries, with their vast oil wealth and relatively small populations, are hungry for workers. The CDK International Manpower Services posted notices in its window seeking domestic workers and midwives in the Middle East, a gift wrapper in Dubai and a "magician balloon decorator" elsewhere in the United Arab Emirates. The agency was also recruiting workers for Burger King and Starbucks outlets in the Middle East. ("Must have fashion for coffee," the ad for Starbucks said.) Another company operating in the Middle East wanted diesel mechanics, flower arrangers, structural engineers, wedding card designers, massage therapists, website designers, accountants and nannies. In another neighborhood, three blocks from the U.S. Embassy, a crowded sidewalk serves as an informal hiring hall for sailors. The Philippines produces nearly 25% of the world’s seafaring workers, more than any other nation. Hundreds of would-be sailors were hanging around in the shade of the leafy narra trees as agents wandered by, holding up signs offering jobs on ships sailing from Germany, Argentina, Los Angeles or Greece. Some sought engineers and first mates for cargo ships. Others needed chefs and waiters for cruises. A salesman offered small vials of python oil, guaranteed to cure back pain, heart disease, joint dislocation, rheumatism, cough, arthritis and skin disease. Merchants offered CDs providing instruction on how to moor a ship, plan a voyage, speak "maritime English" and handle hazardous materials. Freddie Vicedo spent three decades at sea, earning enough to build a house 20 miles south of Manila and send his children to school. Now past the mandatory retirement age of 50, he was seeking one last job. "It’s OK to be away if it provides you with a home and a future," he said. "It’s better than living all together in poverty." The teeming neighborhood of Antipolo in central Manila is one of the city’s poorest. Thousands of families live along the railroad tracks in shanties of scrap wood and metal built one on top of the other, three stories high. Families sleep seven or eight to a room and cook over open fires between the tracks. Every month or so, someone is hit by a train. Children play in garbage. Old women play mah-jongg on a rickety table. A woman patiently picks lice from a girl’s hair. It is not uncommon for families to hold a wake in the middle of the sweltering streets, as Danilo Paredes did for his 18-year-old daughter, Raquel. Lying in an open coffin placed on a table, she looked small for her age, but at peace amid the chaos. Paredes said he didn’t know what killed her, only that he didn’t have the $25 for the medicine the doctor prescribed. Residents look for any way out. "I hate this place," said Mary Grace Libao, 13. She and her friend, Clarivel de los Santos, also 13, said they wanted to be singers in Japan. "In Japan I will make enough money to buy a house for my family," Clarivel said. All over Japan, salarymen come to Philippine pubs to escape the tedium and stress of their jobs. They drink sake and sing karaoke with "japayuki," beautiful, scantily clad young women. In Osaka, the Philippine clubs are concentrated in the crowded Dotonburi district. Many are controlled by Japanese organized crime. Customers spend as much as $500 an evening in one of the better establishments. Large clubs typically stage a brief show in which the women sing a few songs and dance. The rest of the time, they flirt with the customers, pouring sake, feeding them and lighting their cigarettes. They can make more in tips in an evening than they could working for a month as a salesclerk back home. They can make even more if they agree to have sex. "The customers make offers," said Estrella Pumar, 31, who was heading from Manila to Osaka for her second tour. "It’s up to the girls to decide what kind of life to live." The women live six or seven to a room provided by their employers. If they are lucky, they get a day off every two weeks. Many aspire to marry a Japanese man and secure a residency permit. Having a child in Japan ensures residency status after a divorce, which is how 80% of these marriages end. Wendy, 37, followed her mother to Japan in the 1990s. A brother and sister moved to Los Angeles. She spent 10 years working in pubs before marrying a Japanese man, having a son and opening her own club in Osaka, the Twin Angels. "It’s better to be here than in the Philippines," said Wendy, who declined to give her full name. But someday she’d like to return home and perhaps open a McDonald’s. In the meantime, she said, "we have to survive." The wards are overflowing at Negros Oriental Provincial Hospital, and dozens of patients lie on cots in the corridors. Some have just given birth. Others have just had surgery. Some will die in the hallway. The hospital in Dumaguete, about 400 miles south of Manila, was built for 250 patients but usually has more than 350. Newborns stay in the same bed as their mothers; some have suffocated when their mothers rolled over in their sleep. Patients who come here have no choice. It’s the only hospital in the region they can afford. But for the doctors there is a way out: Study nursing and leave for the United States or Europe, where qualified nurses are in short supply. Medical regulations in the U.S. and European countries typically make it very difficult for foreign doctors to work there as physicians. But nurses are in such demand that some recruiters offer bonuses of $15,000, the equivalent of three years’ pay for a doctor in Dumaguete. Of 207 doctors in Negros Oriental province, 79 have become nurses and more than 30 are in nursing school. This hospital is supposed to have 72 doctors, but only 43 remain. The Dumaguete district has closed two of its six rural hospitals and may soon have to close a third, said Dr. Ely Villapando, the province’s chief health officer. "We are worried sick about medical doctors taking up nursing and leaving," said Villapando, 63, who also runs the hospital. "We are losing the most skilled doctors. This is a crisis in healthcare." An aid agency gave the hospital new cardiology equipment, but it sits unused. The hospital’s only cardiologist left to become an emergency-room nurse in Chicago. What she earned in a month here, she can now make before lunch. Here, patients are so poor that some pay in produce or livestock. X-rays cost a chicken. A bunch of bananas covers consultation. Delivering a baby costs one goat. Villapando makes the equivalent of $437 a month. Two of his children have become nurses in the United States, one in Bakersfield and one in Texas. They send him money. "My son already has a house of his own," he said. "He has two cars. My daughter is building a house and has two cars. They could not hope to achieve that here." To become nurses, the doctors attend classes on weekends for a year and spend 2,200 hours as volunteer nurses at the hospital. Sometimes they do both jobs the same day. "Some of the patients get confused," said Dr. Joyce Maningo, an internist studying to be a nurse. "They say, ‘Weren’t you a doctor this morning?’ "
"If I go to the States, I will have to forget I am a doctor," she said as she made her nursing rounds. "I love the Philippines, but it will always be a Third World country." Runaway maids arrive at the Philippine Embassy in Kuwait desperate, bruised, hungry and penniless. They slip out of their employers’ homes in the dead of night through a window, over a wall or by walking out a door accidentally left unlocked. They break the law simply by leaving without permission. Some spend more than a year in the embassy compound, waiting for their passports, back pay or the resolution of their legal cases. If they step outside, they can be arrested. At times, more than 500 women live at the offices of the Overseas Workers Welfare Administration next to the embassy. The building gets so crowded that the women cannot all lie down to sleep at the same time. "It’s like a prison," said Annabelle Abing, who lived there for three months. More than 750,000 Philippine maids work in Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern countries, where they often face legalized discrimination, beatings and sexual abuse. The women frequently live in isolation, forbidden even to telephone their families. If they file a legal claim against their employer, they can be deported or imprisoned on trumped-up charges. "They are treated like modern slaves," said Maita Santiago, secretary-general of Migrante International, a rights group for Philippine workers. "When workers are in distress, the government doesn’t stand up for their rights for fear of the markets of foreign countries closing to Filipino workers." Perhaps the toughest country for domestic workers is Saudi Arabia. Sheila Marie Macatiag, 28, was earning $12 a month at a car stereo factory in the Philippines when she decided to take a job in Saudi Arabia to support her parents and six younger siblings. Macatiag said she was forced to work from 5 a.m. to midnight, verbally abused for the smallest mistake and never given enough to eat. During her first six months, her employers paid her a total of $200; she had paid $300 to an employment agency in the Philippines to get the job. Fed up, she ran away to the employment agency’s local office. But by the time she got there, her employers had already complained that she had stolen money and watches from their vault. Police came and arrested her. Despite the absence of evidence or witnesses, she spent 13 months in jail, Macatiag said. "They told me they were going to cut off my hand or I would be sentenced to 108 years or I would die in prison," she said. "Even during trial they told me my hand would be cut off unless I admitted to the allegations." She maintained that she was innocent, but a Saudi court convicted her and she received five lashes on the hand with a cane. She has returned to the Philippines but doesn’t expect to find a job. "There are so many people here and so few jobs," Macatiag said. She is hoping to leave the country again: "Anywhere but the Middle East," she said. Even if there is no abuse, the emotional toll of being away from home can be heavy. In Hong Kong, Philippine maids gather by the thousands in the city center every Sunday to spend their day off together. They fill the parks and sidewalks and overflow into the streets. Sitting on cardboard or sheets of plastic, they hold prayer meetings, play cards and have picnics.The Overseas Class
