About the author- litigation lawyer in telecoms, taxation, criminal, labor, appellate, family law and corporate; a radio broadcaster, speaker, author a husband, a father, advocate for consumers, for justice www.angkapatiran.org and a sinner who wants to
be a saint. hilman1108@yahoo.com
 Keeping an open line of communication with your kids is key. Use these suggestions as ways to develop a healthy discussion with your children about sexual abuse.
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Dear Editor
It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had debated in my mind all evening if I would go or not. When I got there, I tried to camouflage myself in a group of people queuing for a nearby bus, but feeling attention drawing to my conspicuous self I walked past the door twice. In the end I rang the bell and was buzzed in. Slowly climbing the stairs towards far away voices, I felt my throat go dry, my palms sweat, my heart pound and my legs turn to jelly yet weigh like lead.
Entering the room, I was trapped by the strange faces in front of me and the arrival of others behind me. I was pincered. The introductions didn’t matter. My mind was screaming at me to leave. I didn’t. I sat down, afraid to take my coat off and reveal my sweat-drenched shirt.
I was surrounded by men, unemployed men, working men, professional men, country men, city men, quiet men and loud men. All men victimised by physical violence, emotional and psychological abuse by women. Men like me. Men who had formed a support group called Amen. I didn’t say too much. I was afraid of talking to strangers, of meeting someone I knew, of herself finding out I was there, about not being believed, about feeling ashamed, about coming out.
I listened to the man who barricaded himself into the spare room every night. I heard the man who had to run out of the house with the kids. I saw photographs of a man who was stabbed by his girlfriend. I was told about the man who was beaten by his wife with the Hoover. Men telling my story. The story of sleepless nights, endless fights, put downs, shut ups, lock-ins and lock-outs. For two hours I listened and talked.
I don’t know if I’ll go back. I don’t know if it’s right for me or any of us. The relief-filled, safe-place, confidence speak of the founding members suggested it is. I do know that domestic violence and psychological abuse isn’t right for anyone.
It isn’t right for men and it isn’t right for women. For women, the political and legal changes and social conscious raising has travelled many miles in recent years and still has more to go. For men the journey has been a slower one. In many ways the suitcases haven’t even been packed yet.
But despite the imbalances, the inequalities of perception and the social blinkers, for some men in a room above a shop, by a bus stop, on a street in our country the journey has begun.
Anonymous.
Dear Amen
My name is Jane and I am 27 years old. I have a daughter aged 7 and we live with my grandparents. I physically and emotionally abuse John, my present partner. He is not the father of my daughter. Sometimes I lose it with him. I hit him, pull his hair and punch him. When I am doing this I know its wrong and even then I can’t stop myself. John is normally very quiet and hates any sort of conflict and that is one of the reasons we clash. Sometimes the abuse happens when I have been drinking, but other times I am completely sober so I know I cannot use alcohol as an excuse. I went for counselling last year and it helped for a while. I also went to a doctor and told him a little about my situation. He put me on medication and I was fine for a time.
The pressure of Christmas put a lot of strain on me. I lost control and took it out on John. He was very upset. I know he will leave me, like the father of my daughter did, if I don’t control my behaviour. Most people think of me as a funny, confident and successful person. They don’t know the frustration that goes on in my life, being so dependent on family and unable to control my temper and taking it all out on John.
Can you help me please?
Jane
Dear Mary
I am delighted to have spoken to you, I feel much more positive now and I know that with help I can change my abusive behaviour. Because there are no support groups for abusive women, I have felt isolated. Talking to you has made me determined to get my life sorted. A lot of the time I feel trapped in my situation. I would very much like to get a place of my own but I am afraid that I will not be able to cope and that it would be too financially challenging.
My family have been extremely helpful to me over the past eight years. I spend a huge amount of my income on socialising and other unimportant things. I feel frustrated that I cannot do all of the things my friends are doing. I was brought up in a good home where my parents taught us to respect one another. They show great love for each other and respect each other’s differences. I need to find out where all my anger is coming from. I hope this information can give you some idea about me.
Jane
Dear Mary
I spoke to you some time ago about the abuse of my partner. I told you that most of the time we are happy together but every now and then I lose my temper and I start abusing and hitting him. My partner is generally a quiet man and doesn’t like confrontation of any sort. I am extremely temperamental and dramatic. I want to stop and I just don’t know what to do. I went to a counsellor and doctor. I’ve been on anti-depressants, but they are not a long-term solution. Whilst the counsellor helped, she lived a long distance away and it was an effort and expensive to see her as often as I needed. There was nowhere for me to be referred to as there are no support groups for abusive women. Please can you forward me any other literature or books I can read that may help me? I need to sort this out before John leaves me.
Jane
My name is Joe. I am bringing my girlfriend to court for the custody of our baby because of domestic violence by her. I got a safety order against her on the advice of the Gardaí. She laughed when she received this order and her violence has got worse. I am requesting a DNA test because when she is abusing me she says that the baby is not mine. I am worried for the baby because of her violence and temper. I am not living with them any more so I cannot protect the baby. She can be very unstable and I am afraid that she will harm herself and the baby. She has tried to kill herself more than once. She has said to me that she has had two abortions in the past and when I found her diary she confesses that she felt quite forced to have this baby because of her past. I really need advice and support. I am very worried about the baby.
Joe
Dear Amen
I am currently doing a research project on domestic violence towards men whilst on a welfare studies diploma college course. I desperately need as much information as possible. There appears to be very little literature on the topic. It is a very gender biased subject. Even the female domestic violence officer of the local police department laughed and ridiculed the topic, saying it doesn’t happen! Please email me at this address, as my research has to be completed by mid-May. Do you have any other leaflets or data available?
Yours gratefully
Kate
Dear Mary
I heard you on the radio discussing female violence against men. I am myself a victim of the same - wife assuming a ‘sumo stance’ and advancing on me flicking a meat cleaver from hand to hand and finishing up with a full-blooded swipe across my throat (inches away). This was her favourite trick. My wife is from the Far East. Shortly after we married her adult daughter came to live with us and both of them abused me on a daily basis. They isolated me completely and even though they had good English they always conversed in their own language. I could only use the kitchen and the bathroom when they were out. I was absolutely forbidden to use the washing machine at all. I had to wash all my clothes by hand.
It slowly dawned on me that they wanted me out of my home. On many occasions
I had to leave for my safety, sometimes in the middle of the night. When I refused to leave voluntarily my wife went to court. She and her daughter told lies and managed to get a barring order against me despite the fact that I owned my own home and was a victim of her and her daughter’s abuse. This is the same home in which my children were reared and which I shared with my first wife for over thirty years until her death. I nursed her for three years after she became ill. I am now homeless, unemployed and am totally depending on the goodwill of my relations. I am a diabetic and my health is deteriorating. My case has been dragging on through the courts for years. It looks like I will never get my home back, or indeed get any benefit from it. I am also a victim of the legal system. I would like to add my experiences to the overall picture. I would never have believed that something like this could happen to anybody.
Yours,
John
Dear Ms Cleary
I have known for many years that men also suffer from physical and mental abuse. I am almost ashamed to admit that I was one of these men up until five years ago when my wife and I separated. We were living at the time in the west of Ireland where I was working, but my wife wanted to move to the Midlands. My wife ruled the roost. She controlled the children and me completely. She would decide if and when I could see my family and whether or not we socialised. She controlled all our money even though I was the main breadwinner. On the occasions when I went to work with black eyes and scratches I made up excuses as to what had happened to me.
She told me repeatedly she couldn’t stand the sight of me, wished me dead and demanded that I leave the home. I refused as I had nowhere to go and I needed to be there for my children. Besides, the children begged me not to go. Eventually she succeeded in getting her way by falsely accusing me of head-butting her. I never touched her. She tried everything to get me to hit her. She said I wasn’t man enough to hit her. She applied for a barring order. On the advice of my solicitor, I did not contest the order. This is something I now regret. My solicitor requested a psychiatric report on my wife. When she received notice of our intent to have such a report she became completely enraged and alleged that she was the victim. When I went to court I was too drained emotionally and physically to defend myself. I would like more information and would love to help in any way I can. I suppose it is now too late for me, or is it?
Danny
My wife and I have been married for seven years and I knew her for three years before that. As you can understand, I am a bit nervous about talking to you as this is the first time I have ever spoken about the abuse. There is hardly a day that goes by without a thump and verbal abuse from my wife. We have two children. Up to a few years ago the children did not see or hear any of my beatings, but now my wife does not seem to mind. She warns them that they are never to say to anyone outside about what goes on in our home. No matter what I do or say is taken out of context, blown up and used as the start of rows. Then the beating starts and I have had a black eye, bruises and scratches all over my body. The excuses I give are that I had an accident at work, I was trimming the hedge, I was playing football or walked into a door - things like that.
My own family probably do know about my unhappiness in this marriage but I have never told them. I have a very good job, which pays well, but it is taxing work and the abuse is causing me to lose concentration. She has a part time job in nursing. When I come home from my work I clean, wash and cook. At weekends, I polish and clean. I walk to the park with the children but I am given a certain time in which to return home. I panic if I am late getting back as I know she will be enraged and I will once again get abused.
Now to everyone else she is a lovely person laughing and joking with visitors and her friends, but I am afraid to join in just in case I say the wrong things. She demeans me in front of family and friends and makes me feel small. I stay in the kitchen making the coffee or tea when her friends call. According to her everything I do is wrong. I am a big person and she is tiny. People will never believe the things she does to me. This causes me to be depressed and anxious and I am unable to concentrate. I am afraid to go as she tells me I will never see my children again. She says to me, “How do you know the children belong to you anyway?”
Alan
Dear Ms Cleary
I saw the programme about Amen on Nationwide before Easter and I thought I’d contact you in part to offer a small contribution to your work. I also wanted to say thank you for what you are doing as I think that it is something that is badly needed. There are all kinds of centres and helplines for women with marital problems. That’s how it should be, but there is nothing for men. Watching the programme, I realised that I am one of the lucky ones. My wife simply walked out with another man, without even thinking of taking our son with her and has never tried to take him off me. So while the last ten years haven’t always been easy, that’s okay, because there is no way that I would give up my son. Compared to the men on the programme I have very few complaints. My injuries were minor by comparison to theirs although the memory of the abuse is still fresh in my mind.
I do think it’s time to highlight this question of violence against husbands. I have seen some of the statistics from the U.S which indicate that such violence is much more common than people think. I, for one, am sick of the idea that violence is some thing that only men do, that somehow all men are to blame for the violence of a small minority. The fact is that there are plenty of decent men in the world and violence is not only a male problem but also a human one. We will never solve the problem if we don’t first correctly identify it. I’m very glad that men are now being given a chance to speak. There are men with serious problems and it’s good that at long last somebody is willing to listen to them.
Mike and Darren
Dear Amen
When my father first offered to bring me to talk to someone at Amen I refused. The thought of talking to a stranger about my problems was not very appealing. However, when I did decide to go I was pleasantly surprised. Before going into Amen I felt intimidated by the thought of talking to a stranger but I received a warm welcome and felt comfortable talking to the Amen counsellor. It was a great feeling being able to talk to her without feeling like I was being judged. I felt much better leaving Amen and talking about my problems lifted a great weight from my shoulders and really helped.
Amen can help other children and parents because it’s a friendly organization where you don’t feel pressurized to tell them all your problems, only what you feel comfortable talking about. Most people don’t talk about their problems because they feel like they can’t talk to their family and friends. It is much easier talking to a stranger about problems. I found this out when I went to Amen.
Jenny
Dear Amen
I have only just found your website after an article in The Irish Times on the 18th June. I have suffered for years at the hands of my wife. We have been married over seven years and have two children aged 5 and 3. The verbal abuse started before we were married and the physical a few months into it. Initially, I didn’t realise what was happening. When my wife started to push me around, I started to push her back. But as her abuse became more serious I quickly got the measure of the situation and simply stood to take it. I realised that retaliating was not the solution, as I would only be lowering myself to her standards by doing so.
I have endured endless psychological abuse with sporadic episodes of physical abuse with each variety increasing in severity over the years. The most recent physical episode started with an unexpected slap across the face and eventually resulted in a carving knife being pulled on me. She stood there with the knife raised as if to stab me whilst I held a kitchen stool between us to fend her off. My five-year-old son was screaming for her to put the knife down. I was really frightened. I took the knife and pretended to go to the police. Instead, I went to a friend who is a police officer and spoke to her in confidence. She put me in touch with a counsellor and my wife agreed to come with me. With the counsellor she presented herself as confident and in control. She even said that during the knife incident she was completely in control and only wanted to frighten me. She went on the offensive and told half-truths. She related irrelevant comments and incidents and typically painted herself as the victim.
After the knife incident my wife stated that she had looked back and realised that she had treated me terribly. I have been slapped, kicked, punched and scratched. I have been slapped across the face and have endured some appalling incidents of verbal abuse in public places. I’ve come home to find all doors locked with keys inserted so that I can’t open them. I’ve had belongings thrown into the bin or across the room. On one occasion I came home to find all my belongings in the front garden.
The verbal abuse is still simmering in the mode of “don’t start me ” which I know will once again progress into the physical form. I never know from one day to the next what her mood is going to be, or how it may develop. I am truly walking on eggs never knowing when one is going to break. I hold the same aspirational values as women i.e. to have mutual respect in a relationship and not have to endure violence.
Seamus
Dear Amen
I have been the subject of verbal and physical abuse for over ten years. A while back, my wife met some new friends and our whole world changed. In the beginning, they would come and visit and she would visit them. Kay started to drink - this was a new thing for her. She also started to go to discos with them. In the beginning, I went too but never really fitted in. I was always told how much more they earned and how much better they were than me. I asked Kay to set aside one night a fortnight just for us. Most times it was cancelled because someone needed her or something more important had come up. After a while I gave up. We rowed constantly. We went to marriage guidance and after one session she left. I went for ten weeks on my own. The situation deteriorated and I was just a ‘hole in the wall’ for paying bills.
One day she told me that she didn’t want me anymore and that I would have to leave. She wanted me out but I refused. I came home from work one day and found all my stuff in the driveway. I was presented with an interim barring order on the grounds of mental cruelty. I had never heard of such a thing before and was in shock that she could get this order without me knowing. I had to leave when the guards arrived. As you can imagine, I was absolutely shattered. I got a room for myself and tried to start again but it wasn’t easy. I was constantly harassed by my wife for money. What with this and the extra cost of my rent I ended up borrowing heavily and got into debt. One night when I couldn’t take any more I attempted suicide. I didn’t plan to be found but, by a freak chance, I was discovered. I took 49 sleeping tablets and woke up in intensive care. I was devastated that I was still alive. The only one who came to see me was my dad and he gave out to me for being the cause of shame to the family.
Nine months later my wife asked me to come home. I was glad to be back in my own home again. When I told her how much debt I was in she blew a fuse. After a long time I managed to sort the debt out. I had nothing left. I sleep in one room and she sleeps in another. I have been hit with just about everything in the house, kicked and called everything under the sun. Bank accounts have been cleaned out on different occasions and life has been pure hell. She forged my signature to get money. I decided recently that I have had enough. I simply cannot take anymore of this abuse. Now that my children are away at college I have asked my wife for a separation. I am starting a new life. I am not going to be a victim anymore. I have found strength now that I didn’t know I had. I now intend to lead my life as a decent person who will never let anyone humiliate me again. We all have an inner strength that sometimes takes a long time to find.
Yours,
Padraig.
Dear Mary
My father was a victim of domestic abuse for years. I would be very glad to tell you my experiences and what has happened to the rest of my family as a result but I’m afraid it will take some time. I’m nearly 52 years old and still feel the pain as if it were yesterday.
My father was most assuredly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. When he could no longer function and went to the hospital for diagnosis and treatment the person they requested details from was my mother. She described to them a man who was depressed and left home regularly. She never told them that she threw him out and made life unbearable for him. When he left she told everyone that he had abandoned us. She never told them about hitting him with things and him running away in self-defence and refusing to return as long as she was going to hurt him.
My father was diagnosed as manic-depressive and put on medication but he never told the doctors what was really wrong. He told me that he was diagnosed on the basis of my mother’s lies. I can’t imagine that he would have been the only man that this happened to.
Whenever my mother was angry she began yelling and things escalated from there. I witnessed her hitting him in the head with a candlestick. He fell to the floor and appeared unconscious for a few minutes as she stood over him and told him to die. Another time she picked up a lump of wood and chased him hitting him wherever she could but mainly aiming once again for his head.
My mother used the court system and the fact that she had six children to manipulate him. She controlled all of the family money. She told him that he lived in her house on her charity and that there was nothing he could do about it. I knew the things that happened to my father as I was growing up and afterwards when he kept ‘running away’ to my home. My heart hurts because of the suffering my father underwent.
My husband and I would be happy to offer our spare room to any man needing to get away in a hurry.
Mary, I hope you continue this fight.
Yours sincerely
Joan
Dear Ms Cleary
I write further to your letter in the Irish Independent of Friday 14 November. I found your letter particularly interesting and ‘outing’ a topic, which has really been taboo for far too long. I have just recently separated from my wife and the memory of various violent incidents is very much to the fore. I soldiered on in a most unhappy and troubled situation for years because I believed it would be better for the children if I stayed in the family home and besides, I really did not know where to turn.
I’m sure that the violence, both physical and verbal, which I experienced was way below the level of that experienced by others but it was nonetheless real. In the end I left the family home for fear that I might be provoked to retaliate. Whilst still concerned for the well being of the children I believe they are safer now that one cause-factor influencing my wife’s behaviour has been removed.
The two points you raised in summation – violence by women and the lack of retaliation by men – are very apt. I know. If you feel that I can assist with the research project please contact me.
Kind regards
Daniel
Dear Sir/Madam
I will start with my father being a victim of my mother’s abusive behaviour. I, too, have fallen victim of her actions. Her main aim is to get all his assets by claiming to be an abused wife. My two sisters and our grandmother back her the whole way. Some members of her family are disgusted that she would lie to achieve her goal. She is claiming to have been a victim of extreme acts of physical and mental abuse for at least ten years. My mother was never abused by my father. She was the abuser.
She has absolutely no proof of anything only verbal accounts backed by others that never witnessed a thing - only her being the perpetrator of these acts. My father is ill now and living in a dump while she lives in a lovely house with the best of everything and no worries. My mother is winning with her lies. I could write a lot more, but not today. Could you tell us more about your organisation or give us some information. Will give you various examples of her abuse, if you wish to know.
Eimear
Excerpts from a letter from a woman who was abused as a child
‘I started running away from home as soon as I was able to walk. I kept screaming for help and trying to tell people what was happening to me. At the time it seemed to me that no one was listening. I have since found out that a number of doctors were worried enough to call my father in. My mother she changed doctors whenever she felt she was not being believed.’
‘Years later my father told me that the doctors blamed him for what my mother was doing. They told him that women only harmed their children when they were unhappy and not getting enough attention from their husbands. My father told me that he wasn’t able to face the reality of what my mother was doing. He convinced himself that the doctors were right and it was his fault for not being able to keep her happy.’
‘My father protected me from being killed, but that was all. He was working away from home for much of the time. He went to extreme lengths to cover up for my mother. They even moved house a number of times when my mother came under suspicion.’
‘I ran away from home, but the Guards always found me and brought me back. They were very nice to me and they kept asking me if everything was okay at home. I was too afraid of my mother to tell them what was wrong.’
‘When people tried to be friendly with me I used to clam up. Then my mother would smile sweetly and tell them I had mental problems.’
‘By this time my father was back at home. He was afraid of her himself and humoured her all the time. I was afraid to go to sleep at night. Even now years later I still wake up in terror thinking that someone is going to come in and kill me.’
‘I remained a prisoner in my home for many years. I got very little education and I have missed out on all the normal parts of growing up. I was labelled mentally ill by an evil woman so she could cover up for her own crimes. I got away from my home eventually but I spent years running because my mother kept following me and threatening me.’
‘I looked for help from all the feminist organisations, but I found them very hostile to me. They don’t want to hear about female abuse. I look at them with all their rights and their privileges and I wonder why it is that they are entitled to so much and I am entitled to so little’.
Barbara
To Whom It May Concern
My name is Ray. I was a victim of domestic abuse. On one occasion I was hospitalised, when my wife hit me on the head from behind with an iron bar. I suffered concussion. Up until 1997, I lived with my wife and four children. She left to live with a married man taking our children with her. She now abuses me through the children. I have evidence that both my wife and her partner have a serious drink problem and often drive while intoxicated. They also drink to excess in the home but deny they have a problem. My wife often leaves the children in the car or unattended in the home for long periods of time. I am very concerned for the health, welfare and safety of my children. I have been to court on numerous occasions but to date nothing has been resolved. I have been in contact with various members of the Health Board. All the while the situation my children are finding themselves in is deteriorating and becoming very dangerous. I have reported different matters to the Gardaí in the local station, including two further assaults on me but nothing has been done about this.
I have in my possession a tape made by me in the presence of my sister and my sons. The older of the two states that my wife’s partner is abusing both him and his younger brother. On the tape, my son states that they are being beaten. He says he sometimes sleeps between my wife and her present partner in bed. There are other more serious allegations which I will tell you about in person.
I informed my solicitor about the tape and he made an appointment for the two children with a doctor. I was only allowed access to the eldest on that day. He spoke with the doctor and a copy of his medical report is enclosed. I have contacted the Health Board and the people dealing with my case but they refuse to return my calls or else I am told that they are not in. I am experiencing tremendous difficulty in seeing my children. My wife keeps moving address and changing schools.
On one occasion she took them out of the country for six weeks and did not let me know. I had no idea where they were. One access arrangement was that we meet in a nearby town. On a number of occasions she changed the clocks in the house and arrived in town early. She then told the children that their Daddy didn’t care for them, he didn’t even bother to come and collect them. Off she would go and I would have to go searching for them, very often unsuccessfully. The access time would be over if, and when, I caught up with them.
For some strange reason my children are being kept at home from school a lot recently. The youngest child has not been in school in the past six weeks. I am afraid to approach the local police about my children’s safety as I have received a lot of harassment from them in the past year.
Ray
Doctors note:
I have recently discussed his family problems in great detail with Ray and I am very concerned for the welfare of the children. I have spoken to one of his children and what he says bears out what his father told me. I understand the father’s home set-up is entirely suitable for the children. He states that his share of custody of the children is constantly being breached and he can never be sure whether he is going to have them or not. He believes that the two oldest have been turned against him with the result that they now refuse to come and see him.
I am appalled at the details I have heard of the domestic arrangements at his wife’s place and their way of life. The sleeping arrangements are wrong and are likely to have a harmful effect on young children, particularly since the man in question is not their father. I understand that nudity is taken for granted regardless of the presence of the children. The care of the children appears to be inadequate. They are frequently left on their own waiting in a car outside, or being taken to the unwholesome environment of the pub. They are also frequently being taken to dangerous places such as unprotected heights and water and left on their own to play.
I am concerned that irreparable damage may have already been done to the children and it is likely that this damage will be increased if the situation is not addressed. I would strongly suggest that every possible means be taken to protect these children from the serious dangers that they are facing
Dear Amen
My wife was violent before we married but I thought that the security of marriage would settle her and make her more stable. How wrong can one be? At the time of our marriage she was already pregnant with our first child. During the marriage I have taken the abuse knowing if I tried to stop her I would probably lose my children if we went to court. She said she wanted me out of the home and demanded that we separate on her terms. After my wife became involved with Legal Aid she became far more abusive, often quoting what would happen to me in court. She said that she would get the children, the home, and all of our possessions as well as most of my money in maintenance. She said she would never have to work and would bleed me for every penny I had. The more she found out about family law the more aggressive she became.
She accused me of assaulting her and called the Gardaí. It was she who assaulted me. I had her taped assaulting me. The Gardaí took her story and ignored mine. I barely managed to get by that crisis. The court granted us cross safety orders. I thought it was over - No – the Gardaí returned in May to tell me I was to appear in court in three days for common assault. My wife told lies. It is now adjourned for four months. We are still living together awaiting a separation. My wife tells me she never felt better in her life. I don’t feel so good. I have been to my doctor and have a letter from him that I can let you have, if you like. No one is interested when a man is the victim of domestic abuse. As a professional, with a private practice in a main street, it is extremely embarrassing and damaging to my business when my wife abuses me and then goes out into the street shouting out that I am abusing her.
George
Dear Mary
Serious problems with the relationship started almost immediately after we got married. My wife was given to very regular outbursts of violent temper tantrums, rages and irrational behaviour which usually resulted in physical violence against me, i.e. punching, scratching, hitting with anything in reach, threatening me with knives and kettles of boiling water, smashing up the house etc.
She would threaten to harm herself, commit suicide or kill me while I was asleep. Although her behaviour started before the children were born their arrival did not deter her in any way. She did not make the slightest effort to moderate her behaviour for the sake of the children. This continued throughout the marriage, gradually getting worse and more serious. I am certain that both my children and in particular my thirteen year old son have suffered greatly from their mother’s aggression. They have certainly missed lessons and days from school as a result of her behaviour, which included keeping us all awake at night with her shouting and her tantrums.
I sought help from marriage guidance counsellors on four separate occasions. In each case my wife stopped the sessions after only two or three visits. She claimed that it was all my fault and there was nothing wrong with her behaviour.
While the physical injuries I have suffered have been painful and persistent, what has been even more harmful has been the emotionally draining effect of her behaviour with her constant threats, more often than not followed by actual violence. This simply wore me out physically, mentally and emotionally to the point where I needed treatment for severe depression and anxiety. I had hospital tests for severe abdominal pains, which was diagnosed as Irritable Bowel Syndrome brought on by stress. Since 1994 I have been on medication for this condition and I am now going for stress counselling.
Throughout the years I put up with her behaviour, partly because as a Christian I am opposed to divorce and, largely, because I thought it better for the children. However, notwithstanding these views, which I still hold, I eventually found it impossible to carry on and so I left my home for the first time in September 1994 and stayed away for 18 months. The threats and abuse continued throughout this time with persistent telephone calls during the day and throughout the night - sometimes as many as 35 calls in one day. She also took to turning up without invitation and without warning. At times during her many telephone calls I would try to reason with her for the sake of the children. She created problems and interfered with my contact with my children.
My concern for the children eventually drove me back to her in the spring of 1996 to try, once again, to make a go of the marriage. Predictably, it was a disaster. Her rages continued unabated and in September 1996 I was forced to leave again. This time I made up my mind that it was permanent. At present, I am living with my parents but I need a place for my children and myself.
I would appreciate any advice you can give me and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Tim
Dear Mary
Just a short note to let you know I am back in the family home with four of my five children. My wife left because four of the children did not want to live with her and her boyfriend. My middle daughter went with her. She took me to court for custody and a barring order. It is adjourned until they get a Psychologist’s report on the children. So, I remain in the family home with the children until then. She has reasonable access in her sister’s house - two hours every day and 10 till 6 on a Saturday.
Minding my children is a full time job so I had to give up work. In the past I regularly had to leave work following a call from the neighbours telling me that the children were at home alone. I am delighted I got my family and my home back so it was worth the fight and I believe talking to you made me more determined to go all the way. I am not going to stop there and I will continue to do whatever it takes. Thanks for all you are doing for us men.
William
Dear Mary
I am writing to you, as you requested. I am sorry I could not get back sooner as I am presently holding two jobs. Let me fill you in on my circumstances. I have been married nineteen years. Over the last four years my wife has become addicted to both alcohol and Valium. Down through the years our relationship has deteriorated to the extent that we can no longer live together as husband and wife.
In the last couple of years I have been physically attacked, sometimes while I was asleep. The abuse has been increasing in brutality and frequency. She comes from a very violent family and they have also threatened me. I am now afraid for my life. These actions have left me with no other choice but to seek housing with either the Council, or the Respond Housing Project. This way I can apply for custody of our children so they can have some peace and quiet and live like normal human beings .I am very afraid for my children’s safety. I am worried that if I leave permanently her abuse will be redirected towards them. I have done my best to get help for her over the years but she refuses to go through with it. This situation is irreversible and I have to do something urgently. Please will you help us? After the last bad attack which happened last week I have temporarily moved into a B&B. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours truly,
Jarlath
Dear Mary
Many congratulations on your presentation in regard to violence on men by women during yesterdays Gay Byrne radio show. Thank you for speaking out so candidly. I also noticed an article in last week’s Independent where you are seeking to document case histories of such occurrences. I would like to offer a brief account of my experience.
Deserted four years ago, I suffered many physical attacks during my marriage to a very beautiful woman. Growing up I was programmed into never using physical or mental terror on anyone, especially women. My wife of eight years could never understand why I never retaliated as she physically bullied me. She constantly criticised me sexually and compared me directly to other men, with whom she had a prior relationships. It’s very demeaning to be criticised in this way and I was constantly referred to as ‘the wimp’ in front of friends. I became anxious and depressed and was put on medication. She eventually left me for another man taking our son with her. She then tried every possible trick to prevent me from seeing my son. The ensuing court battles left me destitute and my business collapsed. I have now returned to college where I am studying psychology.
In the past number years society and its attitudes have shocked me insofar as no sympathy is extended towards male victims of female violence either physical or mental. The law has also shocked me to the extent of one rule for man, another for the woman.
Brian
Dear Mary
My late brother Martin who was a victim of domestic abuse was father to five sons, now aged between 12 and 19. They lived in a large house, which he renovated and extended. There was no mortgage or money owed. He also built a hostel at the back of his house to accommodate 38 people, again without borrowing any money. My brother was a hardworking man who did not smoke or drink.
After all of this work was completed, his wife set out to get him shifted from the house. She locked Martin out of the house after he took the boys to the national school. Martin then broke a small pane of glass in the back door and opened it to get in. She then left the house and called the Gardaí saying Martin threatened her with a gun, that he had broken into the house and she was afraid of him. Martin was arrested and taken from the house.
She applied for a barring order which, initially, she failed to obtain. The Judge said she needed an independent witness. Ten days later, she brought in her ten and eleven year old sons to give evidence against their father. After some long hard thinking the Judge said he would listen to the eleven year old. The children were in school when this alleged incident took place. She was granted a six month barring order and despite Martin having two people in court to give him character support the judge would not allow them to speak.
From there on she abused him in various ways such as refusing visitation rights which he was granted in court, driving her car across the road in front of him and many more appalling acts. During all this time the older son kept as close as he could to his father. She punished him for this by making him sleep in the garage. His bed was a table with a mattress on top and a pillow. She finally had him arrested, like his father, and charged with assault. Thanks to the local sergeant and myself, he did not appear in court and the Gardaí let him go. She signed documents stating that he had assaulted her and one of his brothers. He finally ran away from home and I found him and kept him in my home for some weeks until he was placed in foster care.
After all the frustration and abuse my brother had a brain haemorrhage. He made excellent progress for four months, but again she refused to allow the boys at home to visit him. He had another brain haemorrhage and finally died. My brother was deeply stressed during this awful time and I believe this contributed to his death.
I’m very concerned for the four boys in the house. She has stopped them from seeing their older brother and myself, but we do meet up with them from time to time.
By the way, Martin got the barring order lifted after four months at a cost of £4,500, but he got no justice from the courts from day one. I think it’s a disgrace that such a woman should be in charge of children. I hope you can get a picture of Martin’s story. Thank you for phoning back, contact me anytime. Keep up the good work and wishing you every success.
God Bless
James
Dear Mary
These are just a few of the incidents I had to endure from my abusive wife.
She broke the windscreen of my tractor on numerous occasions. It was very embarrassing for me to keep going back to the garage for new windscreens. She threw stones, coal, meals and various other missiles at me. She threw boiling water at me. She would turn off the milking machine when I was milking the cows. She would lock the car, sent my daughter out to the yard to me looking for the car keys, while she would be inside the window of the house with the keys, waving them at me. She would hit me with her fist and called me names such as bastard, bollix etc. She once ordered my son to drive the tractor down the cliff. He refused.
Once my children had left home I could not bear to live with her for a minute longer and I immediately moved out. Thank God, I am now living apart from my wife, even if it only in a semi-converted cowshed at the bottom of the lane.
Michael
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing to you looking for advice. My ex-wife and I separated a year ago we were married for five years and had two children. The marriage was very troubled and she was very violent. I was subjected to degrading treatment. I would go to work with black eyes and I felt very ashamed as people noticed and made all kinds of excuses. I have read the information leaflet on male victims of domestic violence which I found in the chapel. I can identify with the material contained e.g. staying in a shed to avoid rows, locking myself in a room, running away up roads, but no one believes that these things went on. Sometimes I would have to stay in the garage with the children. Other times I slept on the floor on a bit of a mattress. I felt very isolated. I find it difficult to talk about the abuse. Maybe I should try to forget about it. I feel a lot better since the separation and I do not feel afraid any more but, unfortunately, I am almost totally cut off from my children.
She left the home and went off with another man. I was left to look after our two children who were then three and four. I took nine months off work to look after them. As time passed, my ex-wife started to see the children at weekends. She then decided she wanted them to go and live with her. It went to court and my ex wife got custody. She refuses me access to see my children. The access/custody of the children is ongoing through the courts and the children are drifting away from me. I think they are confused and think that they have a new daddy. On the odd occasion when I see my children they hardly know who I am. I see my children less and less. What should I do? What can I do?
This last while I have started to get my confidence back and I have returned to work. After the separation, I got counselling at my local pastoral centre but I didn’t talk about the violence, I find it very difficult to talk about it.
Looking back, I knew things were not right, it’s hard to know what to do. Would it be possible if you could give me advice on how I could get access to see my children?
What advice would you give me? Is there anyone local I could talk to? Will I have to go to court to get access to see my children? Can I be forced to sell the family home? My ex-wife has removed all the furniture, lights, washing machine and fixtures, pretty well leaving the house unfit to live in. There is no one living in the family home at present. I am living with my parents.
Yours faithfully
Myles
