MARRIAGE

May 26, 2006

>PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
>
>By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
>
>I have never met a man who didn’t want to be loved. But I have seldom
met a
>man who didn’t fear marriage. Something about the closure seems
>constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for
what it
>cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our
lives.
>
>When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a
>mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
acceptability,
>or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing
to
>do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and
petty
>in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw,
at
>be!st, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of
loveless
>nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or
someone
>else to such a fate.
>
>And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed
to
>glow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just
>dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other’s foibles.
>
>It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked
myself,
>can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation
at the
>others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem
unable to
>even stay together, much less love each other?
>
>The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to
the
>claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad
>relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to
succeed.
>It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good
relati!
onship
>from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early
>stages.
>
>Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see
yourselves
>together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which
>relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to
see
>beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people
choose to
>involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of
sexual
>attraction in order to see what is on the other side.
>
>This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
deny
>the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other
apart
>from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the
presence of
>unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from
having any
>normal perception of what life would be like together.
>
>The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time
>friendsbefore they realize they are attracted to each other. They get
to
>know each
>other’s laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at
their
>worst and at their best. They share time together before they get
swept up
>into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.
>
>This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell
of
>your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for
other
>keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you
how much
>you will enjoy each others company over the long term.
>
>If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense
of
>others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is
the
>child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always
surprise
>each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always
keep
>the world around you new.
>
>Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. ! Even the
most
>intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to
turn
>sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends
to
>turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your
>relationship can become based on being critical together.
>
>After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way
you
>respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their
>relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them.
They
>find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of
the
>emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the
relationship
>ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your
partner
>treats people or circumstances in a way you can’t accept, you will
>inevitably come to grief.Look ! at the way she cares for others and
deals
>with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your
love
>wil! l grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way
you
>each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will
not
>respect each other.
>
>Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live
on
>the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart
resides
>in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the
unseen
>in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the
literal and
>the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an
>unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and
misunderstood.
>
>There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all
have
>unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private
>commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in
love
>with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if
you
>cannot nourish them in her, you will fin! d yourselves growing further
apart
>until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of
life, but
>never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it
is
>only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts a! nd daily
failures that
>leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.
>
>So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a
partner with
>whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage cantake place
in
>your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But
I
>think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It
is
>called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events
of
>nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly.
>Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question
these,
>because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles,
though
>if we did not know them they ! would be impossible to believe.
>
>Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted
like a
>seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that
will
>blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.
>
>  If you
>have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed.
>
>We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation
in a
>marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified
of the
>bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred
to me
>to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and
>bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first
heat
>of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually
>deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could
>believe in was the power of this passion a! nd the fear that when it
cooled I
>would be left with something lesser and bitter.
>
>But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative
transformation,
>it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of
death by a
>thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two
histories
>intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate
>consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes
before
>them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an
expansion
>of awareness, not a closure! and a constriction, as I had once feared.
This
>is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps.
Tension and
>traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to
>having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering
doubt
>that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each
becomes
>dulled to the richness that it alone contai! ns.
>
>But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by
the
>knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those
who
>live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared
company, but
>there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens
that
>experience into something richer and more complex.
>
>So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the
wrong
>reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of
>transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found
someone
>with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you
can
>resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner
not
>chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and
seasons
>that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the
miracle
>that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace ! of a
marriage
wel! l
>made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers
will
>