PREVENTING AFFAIRS

June 1, 2006

Preventing Affairs

by Anne Bercht

Brian Bercht of Abbotsford , BC found himself alone in a motel room after eighteen years of marriage to a woman he loved deeply. He’d had an extramarital affair, something he never imagined he was capable of doing, something he was both morally and intellectually opposed to. His wife was devastated. How could this have happened?

Since then Brian and Anne have rebuilt their marriage and are sharing their story, so that what happened in their marriage doesn’t have to happen in yours, so you can learn the lessons they did without having to go through the tremendous pain and grief. Here is an excerpt from their new book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me .

One of the biggest lessons we learned is that affairs happen to good people in good marriages. They are not merely the problem of an unlucky few, who just weren’t really committed to each other or who were having serious marriage problems.

According to marital affairs expert Peggy Vaughan in her book, The Monogamy Myth , conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.

Brian and I have often asked ourselves, Why did this have to happen to us? How could we have avoided it? Couldn’t someone have gotten our attention in some other way?

For me, the problem was that I was so sure that I had a great marriage, I’m not sure what could have gotten my attention. If someone had said to me, “You need to listen to your husband,” I would have thought, Yes, I’m doing that. If someone had said, “You need to spend recreational time together ,” I would have thought, We are. If someone had said, “You need to have fun in your life,” I would have thought, For the most part we are. We have extra responsibilities right now and that’s the way life is sometimes. You just have to make sacrifices.

I was confident in Brian’s commitment to me and mine to him. I don’t think any “how-to” books could have awakened me to the dangers that were lurking in my relationship. But here are some things which could have helped.

Be Introspective

It doesn’t matter how much you know if you are unable to be real with yourself and ask yourself questions such as: Why do I feel this way? Why am I unhappy? Why do I feel attracted to this other person? Why don’t I share the truth of how I feel with my mate?

The first step to avoiding affairs is being able to understand and be honest with yourself. You cannot be honest with your mate until you have learned to be honest with yourself.

Most people who have had affairs never thought they would. They were people who meant their wedding vows one hundred percent and were totally committed to their marriages and to monogamy. How can an affair happen then?

In Brian’s case, the affair happened in part because he wasn’t being introspective “pre-affair.” He did not even understand how unhappy he actually was. He was “sweeping it under the rug,” “sucking it up” and “just dealing with it.”

During the process of our healing one day Brian asked me, “Remember when I told you that the reason that you never had an affair was because I had been a good husband, and the reason why I had an affair was because you were a bad wife?”

I remembered, clearly.

“Well, I was wrong,” he said. “It was easy for me to be a good husband because you understood yourself and were able to communicate your needs to me clearly. You never stood a chance of being a good wife, because I was not able to communicate my needs to you.”

So even though I had read invaluable books such as Willard Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs , I was unable to apply the principles to our unique relationship, because Brian didn’t recognize and understand his needs. Therefore he couldn’t communicate his specific needs to me or how I could meet them. Although one can identify common emotional needs all husbands and wives have, meeting those needs is not accomplished in the same way for every person. It doesn’t matter how many books you read, spouses can’t meet each others needs unless they are both talking, to each other.

Deal With Issues From the Past

If someone had asked me (or I had asked myself), “What baggage from your past or childhood are you bringing into this relationship that could be affecting you in a negative way?” I believe that could have helped me to wake up. If I had received some counseling focused around this poignant question. My problems were not marriage problems; they were personal problems, which were affecting my marriage negatively.

My biggest contribution to our relationship breakdown was one I was completely unaware of. It was the insecurities I had within myself. The “I’m unlovable” tape in my subconscious mind, made it difficult for me to receive love and honest communication (including constructive criticism). Simply put, I was too insecure. If you are carrying around baggage from your past, you are not really whole as a person and you don’t have what it takes to really be a great spouse.

Educate Yourself About Affairs

Most people have relatively little accurate knowledge about affairs. Most people are very uncomfortable discussing the topic, so they don’t. Contrary to the popular saying, what you don’t know does hurt you. You must be informed. By reading responsible educational information about affairs (not the sensationalism often presented in the media), you can learn from the mistakes of others and avoid them in your own life.

Discuss Affairs With Your Spouse

If you plan to stay married to the same person for a lifetime, it is unrealistic to think that neither one of you will ever be attracted to anyone else. Attractions will come. The question is what will you do with those attractions when they come?

Affairs need secrecy to happen. If we are unable to share temptations with our spouse because they punish us for doing so (by crying, getting depressed for days or getting angry), then the secrecy ingredient remains. Secrecy is to affairs, what sunlight and water is to plants. It helps them grow. Without it they die.

On the other hand if a man, for example, were able to come home and say to his wife, “I was attracted to a woman at work today,” and instead of being angry the wife is able to say, “Why did you feel that way? Tell me about it. Do you think she might have been meeting one of your needs that I’m not right now?” The couple would be able to discuss their relationship, identify needs, change and meet each other’s needs, and by so doing, remove potential vulnerability to affairs.

Open, Honest Communication

Most couples are actually far from honest with one another. They are honest about subjects that aren’t difficult, but dishonest about the things that really matter, the difficulties, frustrations and hurts in their relationship.

Here is an example: Let’s assume a wife has gained over twenty-five percent of her body weight since marriage. She’s not healthy, less energetic and quite honestly doesn’t look that good. It’s bothering her husband. It’s happened gradually and she is not really aware how much it is affecting her. Her husband is careful to choose the right time, and is sensitive in his choice of words. He approaches her honestly.

“Honey, you are gaining weight and it really doesn’t look so good. I’m concerned about your health, and it’s bothering me.” How many wives would be able to answer, “You know, you are right. Thank you for being honest with me. I’ll start exercising and work on eating healthier.”

Instead, how many of us would burst into tears, get depressed for several days, accuse our husbands of not loving us and tell them they were wrong for being so concerned about weight. Doing this would be punishing them for honesty, and sending a message not to be honest about potentially upsetting matters (like a future attraction to another woman).

Living with this kind of dishonesty in a relationship is living in a fairytale. One day you may be forced to wake up from the dream. Genuine, open, honest communication includes the ability to give and to receive constructive criticism.

Listening

It was true. I was not really listening to Brian. I never realized that when I became defensive when he shared things, rather than validating his feelings, I was in essence telling him that he was wrong.

I am still working on becoming a better listener. Listening does not mean I am just quiet, while Brian talks. It means I do not spend my time formulating my next response in my head while Brian (or anyone else) is speaking. I listen to what Brian is saying. I try to get into his skin. I listen for the understandable part without having to necessarily agree with him.

I ask myself, What is he really saying? What is going on for him? And when I feel that I do understand I say, “So what you’re saying is …?” Many times it turns out I still haven’t understood.

Most of all, I am careful not to interrupt and not to tell him that he is wrong, even if I disagree with what he is saying. Instead, I say things like, “I respect your opinion and I can understand why you feel that way. Right now I’m feeling …”

Respect and Admiration

As my husband, Brian needs to feel that I value and respect his opinions and advice.

Before the affair, I often came to him with a problem. He would present a solution, but I would not give it much weight unless another friend gave me the same advice. In this way, I was indirectly communicating to him that I didn’t really hold his opinion to be of value, but rather the opinions of others to be of a greater value. This was disrespectful.

Recreational Companionship

A month before Brian’s affair began, we had joined a local gym together. Brian had asked me to come and lift weights with him. The gym also offered a long distance running club. I preferred long distance running, so I joined this group instead of lifting weights with my husband.

I had no idea what a mistake I was making.  I didn’t realize this was not about fitness preferences. This was about my husband’s need for recreational companionship.

According to Willard Harley, in his book His Needs, Her Needs , recreational companionship is one of a man’s top five needs within a marriage.

I also made a big mistake in the area of sports. Not only did I not join Brian, but I actually was guilty of criticizing him for watching sports. Now I sit and watch sports with Brian sometimes, because he enjoys my company while he watches. And guess what? I really do like hockey now! I’ve learned to understand the game and I’m genuinely interested.

Fun

Fun is not an option, rather a necessity. We had fallen into the trap that so many families do: work, work, work.

Midlife is a particularly vulnerable time for affairs because couples are dealing with aging parents on the one hand, unruly teenagers on the other, and their financial demands are the highest they’ve ever been. Their lives have become all about responsibility.

They are on a mundane treadmill, acting like martyrs. You cannot live this way no matter how strong you think you are. We have learned to revamp our budget and our time to include fun. And we make sure we don’t do the same old things over and over, rather we make an effort to try new and different things together. This is what keeps life exciting. We have an affair … with each other.

Friends and Mentors

The friendship that Darrell provided for Brian was invaluable. In fact, had they been close before the affair, it may not have happened. If couples desire to strengthen their relationship and prevent affairs, this is one important step they can take: develop and maintain close same-sex friendships.

Women tend to do this more naturally. Most men have to make extra effort to develop these friendships. Friendships don’t happen by accident. They happen on purpose. We create them. We have to initiate them and continually put energy into cultivating them.

Brian had many friends and acquaintances. Anyone who knew him before would have thought he had lots of friends, and he did. The problem was he wasn’t completely open and honest with his friends. He kept them at a certain distance. He did not discuss things that really mattered to him, like his hopes and dreams, as well as his disappointments and failures. His friends did not discuss things such as how well their marriages were or weren’t going; neither did they create mutual accountability. Instead they usually discussed only non-personal topics, such as work, sports and vehicles.

Couples need to realize that there’s no "one-time" promise or event that can guarantee monogamy; it’s an ongoing process of honest communication that allows you to really know each other, and thus not deceive each other. The attitude, “an affair could never happen in our marriage,” makes couples vulnerable. We need to realize that no marriage is immune. Therefore we need to be aware, educate ourselves and pay close attention to our marriage relationships. Recognizing what doesn’t work and what is more likely to work in preventing affairs can go along way to ensuring monogamy in a marriage.

What doesn’t work:

-Repeating the marriage vows doesn’t prevent affairs.
-Love doesn’t prevent affairs.
-Being the "perfect" partner doesn’t prevent affairs.
-Threats don’t prevent affairs.
-Simple promises don’t prevent affairs.
-Getting caught doesn’t prevent affairs.

What is more likely to work:

-Awareness that no one is immune to having an affair.
-Discussion and agreement about your commitment to monogamy.
-Regular renewal of your commitment.
-Ongoing, honest communication about all important issues.

Affair Recovery: Preventing a Repeat

Once a person has had an affair (and it has been discovered/exposed), what happens next can be an indicator of whether or not an affair is likely to occur again.

If the person who had the affair never really deals with it–meaning they don’t take responsibility, don’t sever contact with the third party, don’t answer questions, don’t talk through it, don’t commit to ongoing honesty, don’t hang in through the long process of rebuilding the marital connection–then there is still a risk that it might happen again.

On the other hand, if the person who had the affair does take responsibility, severs contact with the third party, answers their spouse’s questions, talks through it, commits to ongoing honesty, and hangs in through the long process of rebuilding the marital connection–then it is highly unlikely to happen again.

Obviously, there are no "guarantees" that there will never be a repeat (just as there are no guarantees that a spouse won’t have an affair in the first place). But the above guidelines are very strong indicators of whether or not it will again.

Anne Bercht is a certified trainer with over 12 years of experience in public speaking, workshop facilitation and curriculum development. In her Passionate Life Seminars, she inspires others to unleash their full potential and pursue life with passion. Having overcome major personal and business obstacles, she teaches others how to do the same, turning life’s challenges into opportunity. For more information or to purchase her book My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, visit  www.passionatelife.ca .

BRINGING COURTSHIP BACK TO YOUR MARRIAGE

 Bringing courtship back into your marriage - by Rick
> Warren
>
>
> Did you know that God intended for your marriage to
> be full of romance,
> physical affection, sex, fun, and playfulness? It’s
> true. When God
> planned your marriage, he planned for the two of you
> to enjoy each other.
>
> Some people think that courtship ends with the
> exchanging of rings. But
> that’s wrong. Proverbs 5:19 tells us to, "Let your
> mate’s affection fill
> you at all times with delight."  Note the words "at
> all times." That
> means you’re to be affectionate before the wedding,
> during the wedding,
> and after the wedding-at all times. You’re to
> continually work to keep
> the courtship alive. If there was more courting
> in marriages, they’d be fewer marriages in court.
> The problems come when
> you stop doing the things you did in the beginning
> to win your mate’s
> love. Those were the things that drew your mate, and
> those are the things
> that will keep your love alive.  If you want romance
> in your marriage,
> you’ve got to keep on dating
> your mate.
>
> Ladies, it might help for you to understand a little
> bit about the nature
> of men. By design, men are achievement-oriented.
> They naturally set
> goals. That’s what they did when they saw you: they
> decided they wanted
> you in their life, they set a goal to win you, and
> then they plotted and
> enacted their strategy, which included a lot of
> activities foreign to
> men. They wooed you with flowers, candy, maybe a
> trip to the opera-all
> sorts of things they would never do unless they were
> in the midst of a
> strategic operation. But the moment the two of you
> married, they
> subconsciously thought, "Mission accomplished!  Now
> it’s on to the next
> goal."  The next goal is usually, "How can I provide
> for this woman I
> love and the family we’re going to raise?" At that
> point, the man takes
> all the energy he used to expend on wooing you, and
> uses it to become a
> success at his job. In his
> mind, he’s providing for his family.  It seems like
> a natural choice to
> him.
>
> But wives don’t see it that way. Wives don’t
> understand the sudden turn
> of events. "What happened?" she wonders. "Where did
> my knight in shining
> armor go? Where’s my candy, my kisses? Now all I get
> is burps and gas.
> What on earth happened?"  While the man is thinking,
> "See how much I love
> you?" the wife is suffering from intense feelings of
> rejection.
>
> It’s obvious that we don’t think alike. But that
> doesn’t change the fact
> that a marriage that’s lacking in romance is a
> marriage that will
> ultimately suffer.
>
>
> Part of the problem with romance is that husband and
> wives tend to see
> each other during the absolute worst parts of the
> day. They see each
> other in the morning when there’s a big rush to get
> dressed, eat a quick
> bite, and get out the door. That can be a stressful
> time-and that’s the
> last impression you leave on each other before going
> your separate ways.
> Then, at the end of the work day, you come back
> together again. Now
> you’re both exhausted, with nothing left to give
> each other. You’ve given
> your best all day. In essence, all you have to offer
> the most important
> person in your life is whatever energy you have left
> over after
> you’ve given your best to others. That’s not fair.
> It’s not fair to
> either of you.
>
> Something has to change. Ecclesiastes 9:9 tells us
> plainly that we’re to
> "Enjoy life with your mate whom you love." In the
> Hebrew, that literally
> says, "with
> your wife," but I think it applies both ways.  We
> need to date our mate.
> We need to make that relationship a priority.  You
> do this by becoming
> best friends with
> one another and making the effort to have fun
> together. Too often, what
> happens between couples is that the longer you’re
> married, the more you
> tend to share the chores and the less you tend to
> share the joys.  If you
> don’t reverse that tendency and develop common
> interests together, your
> relationship could easily become boring.
>
> Some will argue, "That’s impossible! We have nothing
> in common!" Of
> course you don’t.  What do you think attracted you
> to each other? It was
> all the differences you saw in each other. Before
> marriage, opposite
> attract.  After marriage, opposites attack. All
> those things you thought
> were unique and cute and interesting-all those
> things that caught your
> attention-now irritate the socks off you, because
> you’re around them all
> the time.
>
> When you look at your relationship and conclude that
> you have nothing in
> common with your mate, then the answer is to create
> common interests.
> Find something you can enjoy together. Develop a
> common interest
> around something that seems interesting to you. Make
> a list of fun things
> that you could learn to do together. Maybe it’s
> scuba diving. Maybe it’s
> photography, or sailing, or just a simple art class.
> It takes a tiny bit
> of effort to settle on a new
> common interest, but it’s worth that effort. If you
> don’t do it, your
> marriage could very likely go stale. You must
> intentionally develop
> interests and activities that you both will like to
> do-things you can do
> together that will be enjoyable to you both.
>
> The healthiest thing you could do for your marriage
> is to evaluate
> yourself on how well you court your mate. If, after
> looking over your
> relationship, you say,
> "Courtship is non-existent in my marriage.  I’m just
> too busy to work at
> putting fun and romance in our relationship," give
> yourself a 1.  If,
> however, you say, "I still write love notes to my
> husband/wife," give
> yourself an 8.  If you say "We schedule a weekly
> date away from the
> children" give yourself a 10.
>
> You can start this week. Start right now. Today is
> the perfect
> opportunity to bring the spice and zest back into
> your marriage.
>
> Let the courtship begin!

ABUSE FREE

May Newsletter

WORKING TOGETHER TO CREATE AN ABUSE-FREE FUTURE
5/26 /06
Publisher: Beverly Engel
www.beverlyengel.com

Hello everyone,

Thank you everyone who has emailed me to say they liked (and in some cases loved) my new book, Healing Your Emotional
Self. I appreciate your feedback so much!
I missed writing last month’s e-zine because I was busy finishing yet another book: The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome: When
You or Someone You Love Seems Like Two Different People (which will be out next year). I was also busy traveling.
First I went to Dillon, Montana to teach a course in Emotional Abuse for the University of Montana-Western. I had a
wonderful time there, especially with the Psychology students and other professionals who took my course. Thank you so
much Denise for your efforts to get me there and your wonderful hospitality.

I was so impressed with the openness of our young people, how willing they are to share their feelings and to support
one another. They especially liked the experience of meeting in circles and plan on continuing their circle. Some of
the psychology students also plan on going out to the high schools and offering the information I shared with them on
emotional abuse. I think that is a wonderful idea! Unfortunately, many young women, in particular, are being
emotionally abused by their boyfriends.

I then went on to Helena, Montana where I presented two workshops at the 2006 Annual Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect
Conference. Finally, I went to Sedona, Arizona for a much-needed vacation.

Since many of you will also be traveling this summer, this month’s article is on travel — namely how it affects those
who have an abusive history.
In the News from Beverly segment I include announcements. Please feel free to send me announcements you feel readers
will find of interest. I cannot guarantee I can include them all but I will do my best to include what I feel is
relevant. I will also announce my own upcoming workshops and books. I ask that you order books directly from
www.Amazon.com or www.BarnesandNoble.com as I do not sell individual books directly to readers. If you would like to
attend a workshop, feel free to email me directly at beverly@beverlyengel.com.
Please forward this e-zine to anyone you know who is interested in preventing or healing childhood emotional, physical
or sexual abuse or emotional, physical or sexual abuse in adult relationships. If you are receiving this issue as a
forward, and would like your own no-cost subscription please follow the instructions at the end of this newsletter.
PRIVACY POLICY: I will never rent, sell or trade your name to anyone for any reason. Thank you for trusting me with
your personal information.

THE PAIN AND JOY OF TRAVELING
"A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude…"
  –Rainer Maria Rilke

Traveling can be especially difficult for those who had an abusive or neglectful childhood. At the same time,
traveling can often be a wonderful way to discover and develop one’s true self. Think about your traveling
experiences. Would you say that traveling brings out the best or the worst in you?
Traveling can be extremely stressful for many people. Leaving one’s comfortable home environment, the pressure of
having to catch planes or trains on time, being in unfamiliar settings — all these things can cause us to become
anxious, tense, and insecure. For others, traveling can be more than simply stressful. It can be disorienting and can
even cause a person to become emotionally fragile or explosive. For example, those who have borderline personality
disorder (BPD) or borderline traits often have a lot of difficulty adjusting to a new environment. Change of any kind
can be stressful since they do not have a strong sense of self — an internal awareness of who you are and how you fit
into the world. In addition, those with BPD or borderline tendencies (an estimated 6 million people in the United
States alone) tend to walk around with a great deal of anxiety anyway. Add the stress of packing, leaving home, having
to operate on someone else’s timetable and you have a situa
tion that can be extremely trying for someone with BPD.

Unfortunately, those with BPD or BPD traits do not tend to look inside themselves in order to discover why they are
feeling so anxious or uncomfortable. Instead, they tend to look outside themselves and to blame those who are closest
to them for their discomfort. This is often why many couples fight so much when they are on vacation. One or both
people is feeling anxious and stressed out and they take it out on each other. I remember that when I was in my early
twenties I always fought with boyfriends whenever we went on vacation together. My tendency to feel unhappy on
vacations and to pick fights with my partners was a clear sign of my own borderline tendencies at the time.
Do you tend to have arguments with those you are traveling with, especially in the beginning of the trip, en route to
your destination, and when you first arrive? If so it may be because you are anxious about being away from home and
your usual routine. You may even feel a bit disoriented since home and routine tend to ground us.
Some who suffer from BPD become depressed when they travel. I’ve had many clients who consistently find that they feel
sad, afraid, withdrawn and even shut down when they first get to a new environment. For this reason I recommend that
they try to make as few changes of environment as possible when they travel. Instead of moving around from hotel room
to hotel room they find that they feel much more secure staying in one location and exploring from there. That way
they have fewer changes to adjust to.
Some people find fault in their traveling companion because they are anxious about spending a concentrated amount of
time with someone. This may involve a fear of engulfment or entrapment. If you find that you have a pattern of
becoming irritable and critical of your partner when you travel, you may suffer from this unconscious fear. Some pick
a fight in an unconscious attempt to get some distance from their partner, while others withdraw in silence. Instead
of falling into this pattern, recognize your irritability, withdrawal and tendency to be critical for what they are –
indications that you need time and distance from the relationship. Tell your partner you need some time to yourself
and then take it. Go for a walk or go into another room and write in your journal. Unless your partner is terribly
insecure or is a control freak, he or she will respect your need and you will get a chance to regain your sense of
self.
It is important that you set aside time when you travel to connect with yourself. We experience surroundings
differently when we are alone versus when we are sharing the experience with someone else. When we are with another
person we can become distracted by his or her reactions to the environment, we can get involved in conversation and
miss things, or we can focus so much on our partner that we lose the awareness of our own reaction. Get up early some
morning and take a walk alone when you travel. Let your walk become a moving meditation, a time to clear your head and
connect with your emotions and your spirit. As you take in the fresh air allow your mind to clear from all the
superfluous chatter and minutiae of your daily life. Notice the colors and textures, the smells and sounds around you.

If you tend to lose yourself in relationships spending time alone will help you regain or establish a stronger sense
of self. You need time alone to discover who you really are, to learn to rely on yourself, to learn to like your own
company, and to break your tendency to merge with others. (For more help on ways to stop losing yourself in your
relationships, refer to my book, Loving Him without Losing You).
Traveling can force people together in ways that can become uncomfortable. Familiarity can indeed breed contempt if
one or both partners has a tendency to lose themselves in a relationship and then to suffer from a fear of engulfment.
If you suspect that the reason your partner is irritable, critical or withdrawn is because he or she needs some space
from the relationship, suggest that he or she take a walk or offer to do so yourself. Instead of participating in an
argument that you suspect is merely a distancing tactic, get away from your partner for a short time until he or she
cools off or gets needed space.

On the other hand, for some people, traveling can be a prescription for growth and healing. For example, those who
were raised by narcissistic parents find that they benefit greatly from traveling. I have always found this to be
true. As I wrote in Healing Your Emotional Self, today I am at my best when I travel, especially when I travel alone.
I feel excited and open and independent. My personality takes on a subtle but profound change. I’m more friendly than
I am at home. I am more open to meeting and talking to strangers. I feel more energy and I take greater risks.

For adult children of narcissistic parents, experiences such as travel confront what we are taught to believe. Travel
teaches us how people can live in non-narcissistic ways. . As Elan Golomb so eloquently wrote in her classic book,
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self: "Children of narcissists benefit from
stepping into the unknown of any type, be it people, reading, growing things, experimenting, playing instruments. It
can be a trip to a place so far from parental judgment that it makes you feel beyond your parent’s reach, so far that
you can try out different ways of being."

As you continue to work on yourself you will find that traveling becomes easier and easier. I was pleasantly surprised
at how much more enjoyable my most recent traveling experiences have been and how much better I handled even stressful
situations. I could really see my growth. In the past I often felt uncomfortable unless there was a conversation going
on when I had a travel companion. Looking back I think I must have talked way too much and tired out my partner. In
time I learned that silence was not as frightening as I had imagined. As I developed a stronger sense of self to fill
up the emptiness inside, I found that silence was a welcome opportunity to connect with myself and my feelings. In the
past I also tended to feel trapped while traveling with a companion. I’d begin to notice their faults and find that I
was growing more and more impatient with the person, causing me to become more distant (it is a common paradox for
those with borderline tendencies to feel both a
fraid of abandonment and entrapment, sometimes at the same time). During my recent trip to Sedonna with a friend I
noticed that I did not experience either fear — I welcomed silence but could also be patient when my companion
needed to talk, even when I could have welcomed more silence. I took time alone when I needed it and took
responsibility for any anxiety that I felt.
I was also quite proud of myself when I went to India and Nepal in December of 2004. While many on the tour became
irritable with one another or gossiped about each other I was able to stay connected to myself enough to manage my own
anxiety instead of projecting it onto others. I flowed naturally between connecting with others and connecting inside
myself.

I hope your travels go well this summer. Don’t forget to take time for yourself and to continue your recovery work,
whatever form it takes. We can’t afford to take a vacation from our work on ourselves.

———————————————————–
"How do we find what is important for us?
It is not enough for children of narcissists to follow
the marked trail that others lay before them.
Strength develops out of fighting with our handicaps.
We evolve from struggling to cope with our difficulties."
–Elan Golomb, Trapped in the Mirror
————————————————————

BEVERLY’S NEWS
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CRITIC AND OVERCOME YOUR SHAME COMING OUT THIS MONTH!

"Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children’s
self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy
program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and
accepting of themselves, and create a more positive self-image. I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or
neglected as a child."
     –Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents

"In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in
growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are
still limited by defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found
ourselves in as children. Engel’s insightful questionnaires and exercises provide concrete help in the healing
process, and her writing style in lively and engaging. This book is destined to positively affect many lives."

     –Joyce Catlett, M.A., coauthor of Fear and Intimacy

WORKSHOPS AND SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS

Our first One-Day Retreat Honoring Women’s Spirituality, "Gather the Women and Save the World" in San Luis Obispo, CA
was a big success. Feedback on the event was overwhelmingly positive and we were able to raise about $4000 for the
Women’s Press. Because of this success we have decided to continue to offer workshops on a monthly basis, our first
workshop being one led by myself on "How to Create and Sustain a Women’s Circle." For more information and specific
dates go to www.womenspress-slo.org or call (805)-801-8168.
For those professionals reading this e-zine, I highly recommend The American Psychotherapy Association’s 2006 National
Conference in Orlando, Florida, Sept. 21-23rd. For more information call (800) 205-9165

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I hope you enjoyed this issue of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future.

–Beverly Engel

To find out more about Beverly Engel, go to http://www.beverlyengel.com
Working Together, copyright, Beverly Engel. All rights reserved.
Excerpts from this e-zine may be distributed or reproduced as long as you include the author, the copyright and the
sentence, "Beverly Engel is the author of Working Together to Create an Abuse-Free Future. You can sign up for her
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