SEPARADA KA BA- PHENOMENON OF SEPARADA

July 2, 2006

norstadt8@yahoo.com wrote:

>
>
> The ’separada’ phenomenon
>
> WHOEVER said that in the Philippines, it is better
> to
> be a separada rather than a single? Indeed, many of
> our better halves took this piece of advice. Look
> around, maybe half of our married friends are
> separated and the other half single. Soon, forms
> will
> add one more tick box on the query on civil status.
>
> Nowadays, it is downright fashionable to say, “I am
> separated.” It is a topic-starter and is a prelude
> to
> the swapping of stories and I don’t mean the bedtime
> kind. A close high-school friend married for seven
> years had this to say: “When you decide to get
> married, think long and hard. Think twice, think
> thrice, think a hundred times. The vow ‘to be
> together
> till death do us part’ can take a very, very long
> time.”
>
> Being separated means a few things. One, I gave it a
> shot but it didn’t work out. At least I tried. That
> is
> our society’s mantra anyway—try and try until you
> succeed, or until you die. Two, someone actually
> loved
> me enough to marry me. I am worthy. My self-esteem
> is
> intact. Very much unlike the singles forever haunted
> with the question, “what’s wrong with me?” Three,
> aha,
> I have kids and don’t have to worry about the
> biological clock ticking away. When I grow old, I
> will
> have company. That is if the kids are with you and
> don’t actually abandon you after a few years. Four,
> I
> may or may not work—for those whose spouses are not
> delinquent with support. Five, I am available again.
>
>
> Legally speaking, there is no separate category of
> “separated.” Either you are married or you are not.
> If
> the marriage is on the rocks, you can apply for a
> legal separation. The marriage bonds, however, are
> not
> dissolved. Legal separation simply gives the spouses
> the right to be away from each other, physically and
> property-wise.
>
> The other mode is of course annulment—our Catholic
> version of divorce. To get this decree, you have to
> go
> through a lengthy and expensive court process. The
> fastest will be at least one year and it will cost
> you
> upward of P100,000. There is no guarantee that a
> petition for annulment will succeed. In any event, a
> calendar and a few pesos are a small price to pay to
> get rid of your spouse and regain your freedom, so
> goes conventional thinking.
>
> Not surprisingly, in all the annulment cases I have
> come across, there is not one person who admitted
> that
> it was his/her fault that the marriage did not last.
> In fact, the blame game is intense and, needless to
> say, very personal. It takes a hundred and one
> reasons
> to hold on to a marriage and only one excuse to tear
> it down. After that, marriage becomes a miscarriage.
>
>
> Is there a difference between a separada and a
> separated guy? You bet there is. For one, I am not
> aware of a separate term for the separated guy.
> There
> is a certain stigma to being a separada although as
> explained earlier, it is fast becoming a status
> symbol. Guys who are separated may also be more
> attractive than the usually married ones who are not
> happy with their wives.
>
> What about the children? Well, the standard line is
> that their welfare is most important, paramount
> even.
> There is an arrangement for joint custody or
> visitation rights as in the American system. The
> kids
> are juggled back and forth with the accompanying
> roller-coaster feelings. In some cases, a parent
> will
> even hostage the children to get back at the spouse
> or
> to exact some concession.
>
> In modern times, it is still the innocents who
> suffer.
> Sacrificing for the children and keeping the family
> intact for their sake is no longer a viable option.
> The individual’s quest for happiness becomes
> primordial; everything else is secondary. Either a
> marriage is a sand trap or a prison.
>
> This is not to discount the legitimate reasons like
> pathological violence and infidelity for opting out
> of
> a marital union. The age-old dilemma is: when do we
> call it quits and decide that enough is enough? This
> unanswered hard question helps us understand why
> annulments are becoming the norm.
>
> Regardless of the heartaches and the trauma, people,
> single or separated, never cease to dream and
> continue
> to hope to meet the right person whom they can spend
> their lives with together forever.